Are you there, Fashion God? It's me, Venna...

It's been a while since we last communicated. How are you, Fashion God? Me? I've never been prettier. For today I am dressed to the nines paying a tribute to my idol, Jennifer Lopez Noa Judd Almost-Affleck Anthony. Don't I look like a dead ringer for Jenny on MTV VMA in this green ensemble? Some people sneezed, "TIMUN!!" or "ESMERALDA!!" when I passed by them, but I know they did it because they're ignorant. Obviously they don't know that Vogue has declared avocado-green as the color du jour. Oh my dear fashion god, what does du jour mean?

Do you like my Fendi bag, Fashion God? It's a genuine Fendi. I stopped buying fake designer bags because I don't want you to get angry with me again. Like that time I toted a knock-off Louis Vuitton Monogram Papillon bag to Alfamart Bintaro to buy Ajinomoto and you unleashed your fury at me when you saw it by making my long awaited Salsa-Pop debut album entitled "Venna... The Other Side Of Me" bomb. I felt so scared and humiliated. I don't want you to hate me again, Fashion God. I had to starve myself and my family for 11 weeks to get this Fendi bag, but it was so worth it. I got the bag and dropped 6 kilos. Yaay! Look at my body. Isn't it delicious? Yeah, I know it is. Who cares that my kids are going to suffer from malnutrition?! They're too fat anyway. What's important is I look fierce! FIERCE!

Oh, and how about these lovely hotpants, Fashion God? I knew there's a reason why they call it 'hot' pants, because anyone who wears them will look hot, just like me here. Don't they compliment my bodacious body perfectly? I decorated my bare middle section with a precious trinket. It's giving me nasty and painful marks, but beauty has a price, right? I know women go green with envy everytime they look at me, and not because of the fact that I am dressed in a shade of cabbage, but because I look hot! H-O-T HOT!

I got this wig at Rimo, Bintaro Plaza. It's called "Keriting Basah Malvin Shayna", a part of Scarlet's "Artis Bomseks Indonesia 90an" collection. And for maximum effect, I'm combining it with Dame Edna's gardening hat I got on E-bay. What do you think, Fashion God? Genius, right?

People always say I'm weird or I dress like a lunatic. But I know that's the risk I must take. Ever since I heard voices in my head saying, "You're fabulous, Venna. Help them..." or, "Venna, you're the savior of style", I know that it's your voice, telling me to start a crusade against fashion ignorance. As an acclaimed multitalented celebrity and former Putri Indonesia, I will use my power to lead the way and spread the message of fabulousness. I will do my best to raise fashion awareness amongst my fellow Indonesian. It's a long and arduous road, but I believe I can do it. And someday, I hope to be remembered as The Mother Teresa of Fashion.

Anyway, I gotta go now, Fashion God. It's time to hit the buffet. I haven't eaten anything in 2 days. That's the main reason I go to this party: to eat. Oh sorry, I mean to raise fashion awareness amongst my fellow Indonesian, yes. And to eat. With all the time I spent dressing and accesorizing, who has time to cook, anyway? Damn, that Kambing Guling looks delicious. I hope it'll fit into my bag.

Indra Bekti was feeling high and mighty as the Master of Ceremony at Rolling Stone's 2nd Anniversary Private Party held recently. (By the way, highly publicized "private" party with a red carpet reception and a horde of photographers? Only in Indonesia, folks)



Drawing inspirations from Napoleon Bonaparte and Liberace, Indra went all out with the theme "Military Bling", complete with insignia, beat-up boots, non-precious stone adorned buckle, shiny gold scarf and a mile-high freaky pompadour.

3 problems though:
1. It's not a costume party.
2. Jakarta is, like...hot.
3. Add a cheap pair of sunglasses... Voila! Instant Ian Kasela.

Memes, Memes, Memes...



I thought I have clearly expressed my hostility towards those matching acid-washed denim vest and jeans of yours. Okay, maybe you didn't get it the first time. So let me just say it once again in a more intelligible term that you might understand...

THEY'RE UGLY!!!

I don't care how much you adore that ensemble you bought at Perahu Jeans in Cihampelas on your honeymoon trip in 1990. I'm also not impressed that you can still fit into them 2 kids and 17 years later. While yes, I admit that I did own a pair of acid-washed "baggy on top, tight on bottom" jeans with zippers down the ankles from IBC, Cihampelas (Hey, they were cool, okay?) , but I stopped wearing them the day Brenda Walsh lost her virginity to Dylan McKay (also known as The "Brenda and Kelly wears the same dress to the Spring Dance" episode).

And now you're wearing the aforementioned items out in the open yet again with a black tank, a multitude of rubber bangles, an unidentified object on your neck, and badly coiffed cornrows? (Hello, are you kidding me? Cornrows???)

Memes, you're the trophy wife of Addie MS, one of Indonesia's prominent musicians who owns an internationally acclaimed orchestra, for God's sake! You're supposed to be decked out from head to toe in Bottega Veneta or Fendi or some other upscale labels, relaxing in your chaise-lounge planning the seating arrangement for your next charity luncheon. You're not supposed to wander aimlessly around Tanah Abang after dark looking like a white trash from a trailer park somewhere in Nashville on a night out to the local bar with her truck driver boyfriend who's sporting a mullet and a handlebar moustache.

I must tell you, this type of behaviour is bringing shame to The MS family. I know you're devastated because your singing career is officially over 5 years ago. But you know what? Big deal! At least you're not a 30-something single woman with no steady income, who's getting a little too intimate with her vibrator, whose highlight of her life is bitching about Indonesian celebrities' fashion debacles on her two-bit version of Go Fug Yourself blog on her spare time.

PS. Go easy on the Botox, okay? One more shot and you run the risk of looking like Janice Dickinson.

Luna Maya
Sweetie, can I ask you something?

Nirina
Uhuh.

Luna Maya
Is that a theater-stage curtain you're wearing down there?

Nirina
No.
Is that a sleeping bag you're wearing down there?

Luna Maya
Somebody who looks like a hit-and-run victim with a rhinestone studded neck brace shouldn't talk...

Nirina
Well, somebody who looks like Norbit's wife in a flamenco dress shouldn't talk either...

Luna Maya
At least I didn't steal KD's wig!

Nirina
Oh yea? At least I didn't steal somebody else's husband!

Luna Maya
HEYYY, he was dating ME first! ME!! That bitch stole him from MEEEE!! Do you think it's funny when your boyfriend got not one, but TWO bimbos knocked up and got tricked into marrying one of them? And everyone thinks I'M the other woman? IT'S NOT FUNNY, OKAY???
I'M THE VICTIM HERE!!!
ME!!!
LUNA MAYA!!!
VICTIM!!!!

Nirina
Geez, ada apa denganmu?

Luna Maya
SHUT IT, BITCH!!!

Nirina
Okay, okay...
Calm down, TV Media air mattress. Let's take a deep breath and sit down.
Ooops, I'm sorry. YOU CAN'T! Hahaha...

Luna Maya
Why are you so mean to me?

Nirina
Hey, you started it.

Luna Maya
I know, I'm sorry.
You know what, dude? We got punked by our stylists.

Nirina
I know, right? I'm sooo firing him tonight!

Luna Maya
Oh, God... This dress is gonna haunt me for the rest of my life...

Nirina
Got that right. What were you thinking, anyway? I know that models are dumb, but this is just absurd.

Luna Maya
What was th...??
YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???

Nirina
Bring it on, blimpy!

Starring:
Princess Leia, Luke Skywalker, and R2D2.



Not long after Princess Leia and Luke Skywalker were joined in a holy matrimony, Luke had to leave Leia for a few months to lead a battle against Darth Vader in a galaxy far far away.

Feeling lonely and all sexed up, Leia found comfort in the arms of R2D2 and the two were involved in a hot and steamy love affair which left Leia pregnant and eventually spawned a baby girl named Melly G-Wan Kenobi. Leia kept this secret safe and claimed the baby as Luke's daugther.

Years went by and Melly G-Wan Kenobi became her planet's singing sensation--known for her atrocious and ludicrous fashion sense--with hits like: "Let's Dance Together" (featuring Bukan Alien Biasa), and "Ada Apa Dengan Chewbacca".

Meanwhile, Luke Skywalker's suspicion over his daughter's true identity grew even stronger. Deep inside, he knew that Melly G-Wan Kenobi was Princess Leia and R2D2's love child, for she inherited her biological parents' worst genes: Princess Leia's hairstyle and R2D2's body...

Dear Nia Ramadhani,

You know that you're a hot chick, right? You have a great smile, gorgeous face, and a knockout body. That's why it pains me to see you going out with losers like that Justin Timberlake's catastrophic clone, Ressa Herlambang. It also disturbs me to see you go out in public looking like this...



You see, whenever I think of a spandex tube top in electric colors, I see an image of Eva Arnaz as Bimbo #2 in any Warkop DKI film with her armpit hair poking out. I know you're probably still a zygote when those movies came out, but trust me, Nia... It's not a good look. If you don't believe me, go ask your momma.

Oh and the matching plastic belt. It's HHHHUGE!!!! I know big belts are in, but definitely not in plastic. Or in yellow. If Superman saw you wearing this belt, he'd go, "BITCH STOLE MY LOOK!!". It's so big and distracting, I almost forgot to condemn you for wearing that ugly piece of clothing. Yes, the crochet dress...

Now how many times do I have to state: crochet dresses are useless. Just like Melanie Subono's singing career, they have no real value in existing. And should you decide to wear one, you have nowhere to go but to Planet Ugly.



See how bad you look? You look so trashy, you could probably win the part as the sidekick (aka. Lisa "Boom Boom" Santiago, the pole dancer with a heart of gold) in "Striptease 2: The Price Is Right", starring Lindsay Lohan (with special a special appearance by Demi Moore as Lindsay Lohan's mother).

Nia, there are plenty other dignified ways to show off some skin. And one of them is definitely not by wearing stuff that you scraped off from the bottom of a bin at Sally Marcellina's garage sale. Just give me a call and we could hang out together, sipping Double Lattes while I give you tips on fashion and on how to please a man without spreading your legs.

Love,
Neng Sarah.

Take a look at this outfit...



I know, cute right? A white short-sleeved top and a lovely patterened skirt with animal patches. I definitely could see Sarah Jessica Parker as herself or as Carrie Bradshaw wearing this ensemble to the playground playing with little James Wilke Broderick or with Brady Hobbes. I would tell her to lose the miniature teddy brooch, though, because it's a wee bit over the top. But on second thought, if you're SJP or Carrie Bradshaw, you could probably get away with most anything.

Anyway, now take a look at this...



I know, scary right? You wouldn't expect a woman who has more wrinkles than my Marc Jacobs leather handbag with crazy spiky hair to wear this les petits enfants combination. And this picture looks so odd in the way she poses and how big her head looks. It's like I had cut the head from a different photo and glued it on to this body. While I've heard that Inggrid Wijanarko is a little on the quirky side. But this is like a scene from a bad Indonesian remake of "I Am Sam" entitled "Jangan Kucilkan Mereka (Inggrid, Main Bola Lagi Yuk)".

Heartbreaking. It almost makes me want to hug her and console her that this world still has a place for a 50 year-old former "Dunia Bintang" host, even though she's a closet-lesbian, and then take her to LuTuYe for a chemical peel and a hair extension. Almost...