When Moluccas first burst into Indonesia's music scene, I had high hopes. I prayed, "Please God, don't let this be another similarly-dressed tackily-choreographed girl group like AB3 or B-Best". But I guess God must've been in New York at that time, because they've turned out to be worse that AB3: less famous, run-of-the-mill career and more calamitous fashion palate.



Before I begin slashing and dicing them to pieces, I'd like to ask you one question, "Judging from the photo, what do those women have in common?". If your answer is they all have dark skin, then you're not paying close attention. And oh, you're probably a racist. Because I'm talking about those objects they have hanging from their belt loops. Those... those feather dusters slash pussy ticklers gizmo. Eew, what are those? Are those supposed to be pretty? Cute? Functional? I don't get it. Oh well, they're probably one of those "Buy 2 get 1 free" giant kitschy keychains these ladies bought from Toko Serba 5000 and thought they would be "totally bitchin'"' to wear as accessories.

Now for those of you who don't know their names, I don't blame you. They're like the rest of Pussycat Dolls, apart from Nicole Scherzinger (aka the only one in the group who actually sing), whose names, let alone their faces, you don't even remember. So, come along with me my friend, as I introduce you to these girls and guide you through their fashion debacles.



This is Naomi. She's wearing a denim shokirt, i.e. a hybrid of shorts and a skirt. Who invented it, you may ask me? I'd say, someone who can't make up their mind whether to wear a skirt or shorts. And this is a BAD BAD shokirt. It looks like a reject from an episode of Project Runway where Michael Kors said, "It's unfinished, ill-fitting, and just plain unappealing. (It's) something that even the refugees from Rwanda would refuse to wear". Then Nina Garcia and the guest judge nodded in unison while Heidi Klum rubbed her pregnant belly and muttered something in German which translates to, "Amit-amit jabang bayi".



And then the white halter top which actually looked okay but wrecked by the bejeweled HOT PINK inscribed on the bottom. Because, well, there's nothing HOT or PINK about that top. Unless it refers to the unsavory bushy thing below it. And no, I'm not talking about her pubes.



Now, the one wearing an electric blue fitted jacket is Maria. I actually kinda like the jacket. It reminds me of the electric blue trenchcoat Carrie Bradshaw from "Sex And The City" wore on the New York Style Fashion Show. You know, where she tripped and fell down. But did I mention that this one is suspiciously hooded or has something flappy on the back? Strange. And not in a good way.



Okay, let's carry on to something more alarming: embroidered denim mini skirt with matching bustier. Do you have any idea what's wrong with the previous sentence? Okay, let me repeat that...
Embroidered...
Denim mini skirt...
With matching bustier...
3 things that should never ever be used in the same sentence without the presence of the word "ugly", "mistake", or "out of your mind". Oh God, even saying that sentence gave me goosebumps.



And let's not forget the legwarmers. Yes, stripey multicolored legwarmers. Unless you're a Japanese schoolgirl or Jane Fonda (circa 1985), legwarmers are something that should NEVER EVER see the light of day. Especially, if they're worn with an electric blue fitted jacket and... well, that... you know... that... thing... do i have to say it again? oh, well... Embroidered denim mini skirt with matching bustier. There, I said it. And oh, the hair. The rastafarian hairdo. If she's aiming for Lauryn Hill dreadlocks, then she's failed miserably. Because even Bob Marley had better hairdo.

My oh my, how do you solve a problem like Maria?

Last but not least, we have Pita. Okay, let's just skip the top and the vest and just go straight to the article that has been giving me cold sweats and nightmares: The "MC Hammer's U Can't Touch This" pants!!!



Please tell me Pita, is this your conniving scheme to ressurect the trademark pants of your childhood idol? Oh, just save your time and energy, woman. Because unlike you, the rest of us are logical and functioning human beings. We decline, nay, scorn the rebirth of the pants that have made us cringe everytime we look back at them in 1990. So on behalf of the population of the world, I'm telling you this, Pita: No, we will not do the "Hammer Time!" again!!

Dear mah luvlee fanz,

Whaddup niggaz...!!! How's my peeps feelin'? Hope u guyz r alrite, aight.

I'm writin' dis letter as a sign of appreciation for ur support and devotion to me all dis time. I know all dem other celebs keep sayin' that they luv their fanz too. But I really mean it. I really do care about u, mah luvlee fanz, from the bottom of my broken heart. I was born to make u happy, and u guyz r born to make me rich. Hahaha... Nah, I'm juss kiddin, y'all. I don't give a crap about the money. I'm doin' it all becuz I luv ya. Everythin' means nuthin', if I ain't got youuuu... Yeaaahhh... No no, I'm juss kiddin' again. Please don't take away my mansion in Pantai Indah Kapuk and my big fat bank account :P

To all them haterz who been dissin' 'n doggin' me... Juss go to hell, mutherfucka! Ur just jealous of me. U ain't nuthin' but a bunch of shiet to me. U can try 2 bring me down, but u can't take that away from me. I know I can make it through the rain, I can stand up once again, on my own, 'n I know that I'm strong enough to mend...

And whoever sed I imitate X-Tina or Brit-Brit is a damn fool. Cuz I ain't copyin' nobody, y'all. Na'aw, I got my own stuff. I'm tha real deal. R to tha E to tha E-L. I'm original like a bucket of KFC. I'm soooo friggin' original dat my middle name IS Original. Uhuh, dat's right, my full name iz Agnes Original Monica Muljoto. Tru dat! Juss check my birth certificate, bitchez! Oh no no, I didn't say dat to u, mah luvlee fanz. I luv u. I was sayin' dat for all the haterz and the playaz who been dissin' 'n doggin' me 'n tryinna bring me down. U feelin' me, rite?

Y'know, dat's why I'm wearin' this friggin' yellow plastic chainz as a necklace. To prove to all y'all dat I'm so fuckin' original. I mean, puh-leez, it's not like I can't afford a real bling. Helloooo...?! I got 2 Jaguarz at home geto lowh!!



Anywayz, Imma set a new fashion trend, y'all. The "Plastic Chainz Bling" trend. Imma wear 'em as a necklace, as a belt, as... well, whatever, y'know. And I kno dat u, mah luvlee fanz, will be lovin' it and wearin' 'em too to show ur luv 'n devotion to me. Just mark my words: Plastic Bling Is The New Bling. Yep yep, juss like my boy J.T. sed, "I'm bringin' trashy back!". No wait, or was that sexy? Hummm... I can't remember. I waz too B-Z memorizin' my linez for "Kawin Muda", which airs evry Tuesdays 8pm on RCTI OK. Check it out, y'all!

Anywayz, I feel dat originality is soooo damn important. Especially since I have a plan to "go international". But don't get me twisted, y'all. By "go international", I don't mean like friggin' Kris "I'm Famous In Malaysia & I Did A Show In Japan" Dayanti. I wanna be J-Lo famous! Y'know, like "I was on Oprah last night 'n Paris got my sloppy-seconds" kinda fame. U know what I'm sayin', rite?

Anywayz, I know I can do it. I got the rite stuff. I got the talent and the moves. And my English is excellent, becuz FYI: English is my second language. But I also need ur luv 'n support, mah luvlee fanz. So dat my international career won't end up like Coco "My Career Sank Faster Than The Titanic" Lee. Or worse, like that Tata "Sexy Naughty Bitchy Shitty Skanky Nasty Itchy-Stratchy You-Got-My-Temperature-Rising-Like-Hitachi" Young.

Anywayz, I gotta bounce now. Me & my crew r goin' out to ride around in my hood. And by hood, I mean Muara Angke, where I live now. Take good care, y'all. And don't forget to check out my new album, "Whaddup A'? It's All Good: The Remixes" droppin' February 10, 2006. And remember, I luv u, mah luvlee fanz.



Luv 'n Kissez,

A to tha G to tha N-E-Z to tha M to tha O to tha N-A-C-O...
No wait! I screwed up. Lemme start again...

A to tha G to tha N-E-Z to tha O to tha M to...
What the... That ain't right, y'all...

It's A to tha G to tha U-S to tha...
FUUUUUUCCCCKKKKK...!!!!^@*&$!@#*&!!!

Mbak Diah
First Okky, now Anissa's bodyguards... It seems we're public enemy No. 1 on red carpet events, Sarah.

Neng Sarah
Yes I know, Diah. But we are carrying a holy mission here to report to our readers what atrocities these celebrities are wearing on the red carpet.

Mbak Diah
May the force be with us...
*Waving a dildo as lightsabre*

Neng Sarah
How did you get...? Errrr, nevermind...
Oh, look what the cat dragged in... AB3, or as I like to call them, The "We always go to every formal event together because if we went alone we're just a nobody" Trio.



Mbak Diah
Or "The Triplets of Hasbeen-ville".

Neng Sarah
Yes... "The Siamese Twins of Similar Dresses Because We're So Effing Kompak".

Mbak Diah
By the way, is Nola pregnant again?

Neng Sarah
No, she's just trying to conceal her bulky post-natal tummy with a million layers of cheap ruffles.

Mbak Diah
Ohh... like how Cynthia's using it to camouflage her flat chest and her rather mannish figure.

Neng Sarah
Exactly!!

Mbak Diah
Hey, someone's copied Nola's pregnant ruffles look! Indy Barends!



Neng Sarah
Diah, this is what happens when you give a designer 3 rolls of 2-ply toilet paper and told him to make something "cute".

Mbak Diah
What about if you give the designer 3 rolls of striped wrapping paper instead?

Neng Sarah
Ummm....you get a giant christmas present??

Mbak Diah
A.k.a. Ivan Gunawan.



Neng Sarah
My my...he DOES look like a giant christmas present!!

Mbak Diah
The operative word being 'giant'. Despite vertical stripes supposedly being slimming.

Neng Sarah
Diah, haven't you heard that he lost some weight? And by the looks of it, I'd say about hmmm... 15 ounces.
*chuckles*

Mbak Diah
Well, at least he doesn't wear makeup anymore.

Neng Sarah
Yes... only bronzing powder, lip gloss, and mascara.

Mbak Diah
Even Michelin Okky couldn't contain her giggles upon setting eyes on him. Jonathan Mulia, on the other hand, has wisely chosen to stay silent. He realises how silly he looks in that geeky Chinese restaurant waiter outfit.

Neng Sarah
"2 shrimp dumplings, please...."

Mbak Diah
Speaking of which, here comes Miss Indonesia 2006 with a dumpling necklace.



Neng Sarah
That's not a dumpling necklace around Kristania's neck. That's karet kolor bekas dipped in glitter. Her tiara, her face, her necklace... Even her disgusting tisu ketek is lined with glitter. Apparently once she steps down from her throne, she's planning on becoming a glitter-loving high-class male-escort madam.

Mbak Diah
The male escorts being underaged Indonesian Idols.



Neng Sarah
Well, you know how Indonesian Idol finalists have a tendency to vanish into a land of obscurity? Dirly and Ihsan just wanna make sure they have a backup career.

Mbak Diah
Kristania has a backup career too you know...

Neng Sarah
As what?

Mbak Diah
As a drag queen impersonator. You know, like that movie "Connie and Carla".
Anyway, I still think the pretty Balinese runner-up should've won and Kristania should've been "Miss Waria" instead.

Neng Sarah
No wonder she lost at Miss World. The judges must've thought she was a man. At least she didn't call Indonesia a city like that linguistically-challenged Chandrawinata nincompoop.

Mbak Diah
You know, if Kristania were Miss Waria, then Ully Artha would've been "Miss Waria Senior". Or "Miss Waria 1968".



Neng Sarah
Oh yes, Mama Ully: The 50-year-old virgin of questionable sexuality.

Mbak Diah
Look at her nails! Apparently somebody got bored on the set of "Pintu Hidayah: Penjual Daging Busuk Wajahnya Digerogoti Belatung" and played around with Tipp-Ex.

Neng Sarah
And check out her Tas Mukena Cruella DeVille...
Diah, tau nggak apa perbedaan antara Ully Artha dan baju ungunya itu?
Kalau baju ungunya itu... KUSUT, kalau Ully Artha... KISUT.

Mbak Diah
Hahahaha...
Yes, she looks like a piece of grape that's been out in the sun too long... "California Maid Raisins", in new purple packaging.

Neng Sarah
Make that, "California OLD-MAID Raisins"...

Mbak Diah
Hahahahahaha.....

Agnes Monica
HEY BITCHES, ARE YOU LAUGHING AT ME...???



Mbak Diah
Heyyy... Whaddup A-hole?

Neng Sarah
Yeah, whaddup Xiao Mei from The Beijing Royal Acrobatic Troupe!!

Agnes Monica
SHUT UP YOU BITCHES!!! Say whaa'...whaa'....
*Starts to sing*
"Dimaaaaaana letak surga ituuuuuuuu........"

Mbak Diah
I dunno, but the 'surga' is definitely not in those love handles of yours, girl!

Agnes Monica
You're just jealous, bitches!! I got this outfit in Taipei while shooting "Hospital" with Jerry Yen... Holllaaaaa.....!!!!

Neng Sarah
You mean Mental Hospital! You look like a deranged Kontingen Senam Lantai Kalimantan Barat!!

Mbak Diah
*Flips through "Koran Sindo"*
Um... Sarah, I think you'd better call the Helen Sparingga Mental Institution... I think she escaped last night.

Agnes Monica
It's A to tha G to tha NEZ in da house...PANASONIC AWARDS y'all...
*Runs off*

Mbak Diah
Let's call Helen Sparingga... Oh no wait...THERE SHE IS...HELEEENNNN...!!!!



Neng Sarah
Mbak Helen...Gimana nih, kok Agnes bisa kabur dari Helen Sparingga Mental Institution For Hasbeens and Wannabes??

Ratna Listy
Wuaduhhhh jenengku dudu Helen. Mosok kowe ora kenal mbek aku to mbakkk??? Ora tau nonton tipi yoo?? Aku iki Ratna Listy soko acara "Bedah Rumah" kuwi lho...

Neng Sarah
I beg your pardon?

Mbak Diah
Ohhh.. Sarah dear, she's not Helen Sparingga. She's Ratna Listy... Ooooh her husband's cute!!

Neng Sarah
*to Ratna Listy*
Kalo situ Ratna Listy trus ngapain situ dandan mirip Helen Sparingga?

Ratna Listy
Wee ladhalaaa... Sopo ngomong aku melu-melu dandan koyo si Helen-Helen iki? Wong neng Wonogiri ki lagi model klambi koyo ngene. Iki model paling anyar lho, mangsane...

Mbak Diah
She says that this is the latest trend in her hometown village of Wonogiri and she's not a Helen copycat.

Neng Sarah
Oh God, she's giving me a headache. Can you just please tell her to go away? I need an aspirin...

Ratna Listy
Aspen? Ooo... aku wis tau rono! Dek kapan kae aku dijak bojoku keliling Eropa lhoo...

Mbak Diah
Dasar GEMBLUNGGG!!! ASPIRINNNN bukan ASPENNNN!!! Kowe ki budek yo?

Neng Sarah
*hysterical*
GO AWAAAYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!

Ratna Listy
EWEK?? ngewek-e ngko wengi... iya to, sayangkuu??
*winks at her husband*

Neng Sarah grabs Mbak Diah's lightsabre dildo and starts beating Ratna Listy to a pulp with it.

Neng Sarah
*Screams*
DIE YOU TALENTLESS FAKE BARBIE, KAMERA RIA SINGER, IMITATION OF HELEN SPARINGGA, HICKTOWN CUNT!!!
DIEEEE....!!!!

Mbak Diah
*To Ratna's husband*
Ngewek ambek aku wae yuk mas...

Ratna Listy's husband
*Ngondek*
Yuk yak YUUUUUKKKKK...

Mbak Diah faints.


The End.