Dear Nia Ramadhani,

You know that you're a hot chick, right? You have a great smile, gorgeous face, and a knockout body. That's why it pains me to see you going out with losers like that Justin Timberlake's catastrophic clone, Ressa Herlambang. It also disturbs me to see you go out in public looking like this...



You see, whenever I think of a spandex tube top in electric colors, I see an image of Eva Arnaz as Bimbo #2 in any Warkop DKI film with her armpit hair poking out. I know you're probably still a zygote when those movies came out, but trust me, Nia... It's not a good look. If you don't believe me, go ask your momma.

Oh and the matching plastic belt. It's HHHHUGE!!!! I know big belts are in, but definitely not in plastic. Or in yellow. If Superman saw you wearing this belt, he'd go, "BITCH STOLE MY LOOK!!". It's so big and distracting, I almost forgot to condemn you for wearing that ugly piece of clothing. Yes, the crochet dress...

Now how many times do I have to state: crochet dresses are useless. Just like Melanie Subono's singing career, they have no real value in existing. And should you decide to wear one, you have nowhere to go but to Planet Ugly.



See how bad you look? You look so trashy, you could probably win the part as the sidekick (aka. Lisa "Boom Boom" Santiago, the pole dancer with a heart of gold) in "Striptease 2: The Price Is Right", starring Lindsay Lohan (with special a special appearance by Demi Moore as Lindsay Lohan's mother).

Nia, there are plenty other dignified ways to show off some skin. And one of them is definitely not by wearing stuff that you scraped off from the bottom of a bin at Sally Marcellina's garage sale. Just give me a call and we could hang out together, sipping Double Lattes while I give you tips on fashion and on how to please a man without spreading your legs.

Love,
Neng Sarah.