Monday, April 30, 2007

Whoever said Masayu Anastasia is a stupid girl is so wrong.

Would a stupid girl wear a two-piece ensemble that accentuates the excess flab on her hips and underarms?

Would a stupid girl wear a bustier that allows the whole world see the traces of her nipples and areolae?

Would a stupid girl pile on a pound-cake makeup because she is afraid she wouldn't be allowed to enter Studio 2 Indosiar without any makeup on?

No, right????

Posted by Neng Sarah

Saturday, April 28, 2007

If there were a "Worst Mother Of The Year Award", the nominee list would comprise of such worthy names as Tamara Blezynski (for her manipulative and disgusting "I love you Rasyaaaa" media spectacle last week), Fatma Farida (for her much-publicised insane rants against daughter Kiki Fatmala), Mrs. Pratiwi (for teaching daughter Lydia the art of killing and maiming) and Mrs. Azhari (for producing such a distinctive brood of whores and drug addicts).

However, one nominee would stand out above the rest and eventually win the award: Rachel Amanda's mother.

First, Mommy let her eleven-year old daughter star as an elektra-complex-ridden preteen lusting after Restu Sinaga in that celluloid debacle "I Love You Om". Mind you, this film even features scenes of little Rachel stuffing her chest so she would look old enough to go clubbing and gyrate against 35-year-old Om Restu. Then Mommy thought since her daughter's only claim to fame was that one Lolita-esque role, she decided to capitalise on it and dress her daughter in pedophile-friendly outfits for subsequent public appearances.

Consider this picture taken at a Senayan City event last month. Overabundance of bows and the kuncir dua look firmly establish Rachel as a child but at the same time, the all-red scarlet harlot colour scheme and the short-short miniskirt dangerously veer into kiddie-porn territory. Note the big bow on her... um, nether regions (X marks the spot? *shudder*) showing us that subtlety certainly isn't Mommy's forte. The vertical frills however, are pure bad taste, plain and simple.

Hence don't be surprised if by the time she's 18, Rachel would end up with the fashion sense of a Tanjung Priuk hooker after a 20-sailor gangbang... thanks to mom.

Mbak Diah

Posted by Mbak Diah

Friday, April 27, 2007

Word on the street is Ussy Sulistiawati is starting a new career as a singer and currently in the studio cutting her debut album. Okay, no surprise there. Not ever since the likes of Peggy Melati Sukma and Diana Pungky had the audacity to record their squawking and circulate it to the mass.

But I'm not here to talk about her newfound singing career. Who knows, she could be the next Whitney (Good luck, girlfriend! *snicker*). I'm here to bash the dress that she wore for her solo performance at a charity event in Jakarta.

Everything is wrong with this dress! From the shiny-but-stiff 100% synthetic polymer duchesse-satin fabric that could induce uncontrollable sweating and body odor, to the giant-shiitake farm on the shoulders, to the Chris John's WBA Bantam Weight Champion Belt cummerbund, down to the billowy "put a hot-air engine on her legs and she's set to travel around the world in 80 days" bottom part.




Oh, and add a matching pink kitten-heel pumps to the equation...
Voila! Instant stumpy legs!

Obviously the designer has only one objective in mind: to publicly humilate the wearer. So it's either Ussy's high on pil koplo or somebody's put a gun to her head before she puts on this dress, because nobody in their right mind would ever wear this ridiculous pink disaster.
Well, except maybe Dea Imut on her 12th birthday party...
Or Titi on her Gebyar BCA performance...
Or Agnes on her "Whaddup A?" concert in Brunei...
Or maybe Nafa...
Or KD on her next album cover...
Or Memes at her son's piano recital...
Or Venna Melinda on a Dance Dance Revolution! machine at Senayan City's arcade...

Oh, well...

Posted by Neng Sarah

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

How do you resuscitate the career of a group from a state of coma? Recruiting new members and revamping its image sounds good on paper. But when pop-group Warna tried this maneuver, it doesn't seem to be working well.

After the departure of Dea Mirella and Nina Tamam, the remaining survivors of Warna attempted to revive their group by injecting 2 new female members, Ira and Ari, and reinventing their image (according to their press release) to a "fresh, friendly, and hip" direction with "new choreography and wardrobe".

Okay, let me be the first to point out that "hip" and a bunch of over-30s don't mix. And after looking at their group photo below, clearly they've mistakenly translated "fresh, friendly, and hip" as "Venna Melinda's Fashion Cronies".

Unknown Warna member #1 (Ira or Ari, whichever you are) with patterned leggings and oversized black belt is a toss up between female weightlifter from Macau and Vicky Burki's arch-rival at "3rd Annual Bumi Serpong Damai Aerobics Championship". Ria's white cowboy hat and gold lurex pants bring "Brokeback Mountain's Pointer Sisters" to mind. And unknown Warna member #2's combination of striped puffy shorts, multilayered tank tops, and hideous trinkets is clearly a rendition of child singer/obnoxious monster/future slut Maissy on "Ciluuk Ba".

The male members of the group aren't doing any better either. Try as they may to defend their sexuality, but it appears to me they have left metrosexual-ville and entered gay-town. While Stephen's ensemble may only whisper "gay", Sarwana's outfit on the other hand screams "I'M QUEER, I'M HERE, GET USED TO IT!". It makes wearing a t-shirt that says "I'm not gay, but my 60 year-old sugar daddy is" tame by comparison. You know what guys? Why don't you just leave the girls and form your own duo named M2M or The Bendovers or some other name with a gay innuendo, and sing classic hits like, "Ladies Night", "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun", or (You Make Me Feel Like) A Natural Woman".

Posted by Neng Sarah

Thursday, April 12, 2007

A month before the release of her new album, which coincides with the launch of her new makeup line from PAC Martha Tilaar, KD accidentally got electrocuted while trying to unplug her rechargeable vibrator.

The original planned makeup theme "KD Moonlight Princess 2007 Look" had to be severely revised to accomodate the new circumstances. Hence, the theme is now "KD Bride Of Frankenstein 2007 Look", which Martha Tilaar now claims was inspired by the classic 1935 Hollywood film of the same name.

Just so you know, from now on, when people go, "KD! KD!" they don't mean Kris Dayanti or Kurang Darah. It's Kepala Djemboet.

Mbak Diah

Posted by Mbak Diah

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

That old-as-time rule of fashion, 'black is slimming', should've come with a big fat asterisk and a set of fine print under it, which should say something like: "except when it's in satin" or "except when the outfit has puffy sleeves and the wearer is slouching like a female hunchback" or "except when topped with lots of frilly white edges and a big white bow around the wearer's pudgy midsection."

Had Tika Panggabean read this fine print, she probably wouldn't have dressed like Baby Huey mau kondangan and still thought she looked like she just lost five pounds. Okay Tika, you've been warned. Next time you dress like this, I'm telling Jeng Ishkhan... *whiplash*

P.S. Oh, also... two words, dear: Pepsodent Whitening.

Mbak Diah

Posted by Mbak Diah

Monday, April 02, 2007

Picture this...
Memes still in braces with plaited pigtails, wearing a newsboy cap, white mesh turtleneck, matching acid-washed denim vest and jeans, numerous buttons and extra-large hoop earrings.

You probably think that I'm describing Memes when she was still in 6th grade, sitting on the bed in her room watching a recording of Diana Spencer's wedding to Prince Charles on her Beta VCR for the gazillionth time, daydreaming of having a wedding just like that to her #1 crush Julius Sitanggang, and opening her eyes to see Cyndi Lauper snickered on the wall, then realizing that no boy would ever like her, not when even Boy George looks way prettier than her.

But no, I'm not describing Memes circa 1984.

I'm describing Memes at present time, attending her son, Kevin Aprilio's high school yearly talent show, wearing something she thought was hip and trendy in order to be able to blend in with the other students and at the same time show the other mothers that her beauty regime has definitely paid off in keeping her looking youthful, smiling at the camera from an unknown tabloid, ecstatic that she still gets interviews even though she hasn't cut any album or done anything significant since 1998 and also from the fact that her whole enemble, from the colored contact lenses down to her cellphone, matched the folding chairs, but at the same time worrried whether people could see her crow's feet because her botox injection was starting to wear off or her bulging belly because she forgot to suck in her tummy and hold her breath, oblivious to her son crying in the bathroom wishing that he had a normal mother who wouldn't dress like a moron in public or do anything embarrassing, like coerce the talent show's committee to give her 15 minutes onstage to perform her mediocre hits.

THAT'S the Memes I'm describing.

Posted by Neng Sarah


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