Neng Sarah
Is Okky gone?
*Panting*

Mbak Diah
Fuck, I feel like we just got chased by Hantu Tetek.

Neng Sarah
Yes, never mess with large-chested woman. Because those things can turn into a weapon of mass destruction...
Anyway, next we have the oh-so-gorgeous Arifin Putra and an unidentified woman with a giant tumor on her head.



Mbak Diah
Oh, I feel so sorry for her. I thought a pigeon took a giant dump on her head.

Neng Sarah
Whatever it is, she should use that handcuff on her bag to arrest herself for such a foul head ornament.

Mbak Diah
By the way, why's Arifin dressed like Sonny Crockett of Miami Vice? The Don Johnson one, mind you. Not the Colin Farrell one.

Neng Sarah
Diah, I'm sure that's not what he intended on wearing, but that "Gadis Penjual Bunga" demanded he wear something white to match her outfit.

Mbak Diah
Correction... Gadis penjual bunga cum lovelorn undercover policewoman.

Neng Sarah
Cum closet S&M addict.

Mbak Diah
Some people wear their hearts on their sleeves, but she wears a handcuff on hers.
*Imagines Arifin Putra naked in handcuffs*

Neng Sarah
DIAH!!! ARE YOU TOUCHING YOURSELF????
Get a hold of yourself, will you! We're at a formal event here...

Mbak Diah
Ooops, sorry...
*Slips Arifin Putra her phone number and mouths 'call me'*

Neng Sarah
DIAH!!!!!! Please...the boy is mine!!!
CU ARIFIN...
*Blows kisses at Arifin*

Meanwhile, a woman dressed in black leather from head to toe is running helter-skelter after Arifin Putra and his partner...

Rossa
Ehhh, tunggu sekedap Aripinn... Iyeu abdi geus dangdan...!! Ceunah 'rek trisam...??!!!
(Tunggu dulu Arifin. Saya udah dandan nih. Katanya mau threesome? -ed.)

Neng Sarah
Who the hell is that?



Mbak Diah
Rossa.

Neng Sarah
Rossa the innocent girl from Sumedang is a dominatrix??

Mbak Diah
Yes, and apparently is planning to do a 3 some with Arifin Putra and that turdhead with a handcuff.

Rossa
Ariiippp.. Ke heula atuhhh... Tungguan urang... urang geus nginjeum pecut ti Jeng Ishkhan, tapina poho euy di imah keneh...
(Arif. Sebentar dong. Tunggu aku. Aku sudah pinjam pecut dari Jeng Ishkhan, tapi ketinggalan di rumah. -ed.)

Mbak Diah
Arifin...!! Wait up!! Count me in!! I can drip hot wax on your balls while you lick my boots!!!

Neng Sarah
*Pulls Diah by the collar*
WE HAVE WORK TO DO!!!
Anyway... Here comes another vision in black....Tere, who brought us mediocre hits like, "Dosa Termanis" and "Awal Yang Indah".



Mbak Diah
You know her songs?

Neng Sarah
No I don't. I'm just reading this fact-sheet from the event organizer. See, "Tere: Dosa Termanis, Awal Yang Indah. Julia Perez: ______??".

Mbak Diah
I think she read your last posting about Titi DJ dressing backwards, Sarah. But she mistakenly thought it to be a new fashion trend.

Neng Sarah
Poor girl. Can you imagine how hot it is to wear a fake patent leather dress in Jakarta under all those lights? She must be sweating like crazy!

Mbak Diah
Tere! You wanna borrow my sabun sirih? I can smell your sweaty crotch from here, girl!

Tere gives Mbak Diah the finger as she walks past, making squeaky wet-skin-against-leather sounds with every step.

Mbak Diah
Oh good, that fish sauce smell is gone. Well, at least Tere's not dressed like gothic rock-chick something, like she used to.

Neng Sarah
Puh-leeez...she's about as rock-chick as Hillary Duff could ever be.

Mbak Diah
On the other hand, Luna Maya is wearing something very airy.



Neng Sarah
Don't let your eyes play tricks on you, for she's not wearing a dress. She had her body tattooed with henna.

Mbak Diah
Ahhh.... She's going for the Indian look! But where's the bindi? And what's with the sleepy face and messy hair? Oops, she saw us talking about her... Here she comes...

Luna Maya
*Angrily*
Saya nggak ada hubungan apa-apa sama Ariel!! Jangan kait-kaitkan saya lagi sama diaaa!!!
*Storms off*

Mbak Diah
Uuummm... I think someone forgot to take her medication this morning...

Neng Sarah
She reminds me of Jaye Davidson's character on "Stargate". Especially when's she's pissed off like that.

Mbak Diah
She could be Jaye Davidson's character on "The Crying Game" too, if she wore a yellow glitter dress and hoop earrings.
I wish she had brought along that cute surfer brother of hers though... Tipi Jabrik...

Neng Sarah
Diah, this is a celebrity event. Tipi Jabrik is not a celebrity...yet.

Mbak Diah
Then what the hell is Julia Perek... I mean Perez... doing in here???

Neng Sarah
Well, how else could she get here? She must've stolen Benny Simanjuntak's invitation.

Mbak Diah
What about Arifin Putra's date Turd-head-whatshername? At least we know Julia's name.

Neng Sarah
She's a celebrity by association. Like "Ugly By Association". For instance, you're standing next to Peggy Melati Sukma. She's unattractive, therefore you'll look unattractive too.

Mbak Diah
Oh you mean, like our next guests, right? Ugly By Association?

Neng Sarah
My dear Diah, Arie Untung and wife are not ugly by association. They're both fashion cripples. Simple as that.



Neng Sarah
Ladies and gentlemen, here we have Arie Untung wearing a high-collared checkered shirt and electric-pink skinny tie worn with WOMEN'S... I repeat... WOMEN'S cropped jacket.

Mbak Diah
What about his wife's eyelashes? And her belt? Is she auditioning for Cirque Du Soleil?

Neng Sarah
I believe that chicken-feather eyelashes are an "Anti Flirting Device", you know... so that Arie can tell if her wife's been winking at other men.
Give the woman a break, Arie!!! I would definitely fool around with other men if I had a cross-dressing husband!

Mbak Diah
It's as if her makeup artist is playing paint by numbers on her face.

Neng Sarah
By the way, Diah... Do you wanna know what Spiderwoman's lingerie looks like?



Mbak Diah
Heyy... It's Si Burung Camar, Vina Panduwinata!! Boy, she sure looks fresh and youthful. Pssst...
*Whispering*
Do you think she had something done?

Neng Sarah
That's not Mama Ina. That's Anissa Pohan, Mrs. SBY Jr.

Mbak Diah
You're right. But the resemblance is so uncanny.

All of a sudden, a man dressed in batik approaches Neng Sarah and Mbak Diah.

Secret Service Man
Maaf, mbak-mbak bisa ikut saya...???

Mbak Diah
*Whispering*
Oh no, Sarah... Anissa's bodyguard!!! We forgot she's political royalty now... Let's bail...

Neng Sarah
Oh, sebentar ya mas... Kita pipis dulu...
*Whispering*
RUNNNNN...!!!!!

To be continued...

Neng Sarah
Welcome our beloved readers to our special report from The Red Carpet of Panasonic Awards 2006.

Mbak Diah
With me Mbak Diah...

Neng Sarah
And me, Neng Sarah.
Diah, don't you just love red carpet events? It's like shooting fish in barrel.

Mbak Diah
Yes Sarah, I absolutely adore them. Especially this one, where almost EVERYONE is wearing something that we can bitch about!

Mbak Diah
Let's see.... whom shall we start with?
*Looks around excitedly*

Neng Sarah
Okay...here comes Ussy Sulistyawati. Straight from a facial at Salon Mey-Mey in Pasar Baru.



Mbak Diah
Oh, that's Ussy? I thought that was the lead singer of Deee-Lite.
"Groove is in the heart...........Na na na na na...."

Neng Sarah
Mbak Ussy...habis facial yaaa?

Ussy Susilawati
Ihh kok tau sihh??

Mbak Diah
Mbak, itu bandananya belum dicopot...

Ussy Susilawati
*Horrified look crosses face for a split second*
Oh.. mmmm.... Nggak kok ini emang aksesorisnya.... Part of the outfit, hihihi...

Neng Sarah
Okay baby girl, you're dismissed... I got ill looking at your puke green top anyway...
NEXT! Who's next, Diah?

Mbak Diah
Ooh... let's talk about the fat ones.

Neng Sarah
Diah...we do not say "fat people" anymore. We say "unfortunate ones".
Okay, who is it then?

Mbak Diah
SARAH HELPPP!!!

Neng Sarah
WHATT???
*panicking*
TALK TO ME, DIAH...!!!!

Mbak Diah
There's a Persian rug heading this way!!



Neng Sarah
Oh, her. Melanie Subono. A two-bit version of Paris Hilton.

Mbak Diah
Both heiresses of famous millionaires. Except one's anorexic and the other one's a compulsive-eating cow.

Neng Sarah
By the way, is she wearing a giant paisley scarf?

Mbak Diah
Yes, I think she doesn't have a clothesline at home, so whenever a Subono family member does the laundry, they hang it on their necks to dry.

Neng Sarah
Hmm...I wonder what her mother looks like....

Mbak Diah
There she is!



Neng Sarah
It's Adrie and Chrisye Subono...
Diah, NOW I know why Melanie dressed like that. Her mother's just as insane!

Mbak Diah
She's so proud of her daughter's gold-coloured training bra, she's wearing it on her chest like armour.

Neng Sarah
Oh, how I loved that t-shirt under a strappy dress look back in 1993 when I was in Junior High School and going to my friend's birthday party in Pizzaria.

Mbak Diah
Exactly... Oh shit, Adrie Subono's coming! He looks pissed off!!!

Adrie Subono
Eh dasar bitches! Jangan ngata-ngatain kita lagi ya! Lo pernah ngatain anak gue kaya TKW kan!!???!!!

Neng Sarah
Maaf mas, kita nggak pernah bilang anak mas kayak TKW. Kalo ngatain Melanie dandanannya kayak pelacur sih pernah.

Mbak Diah
Abis bapaknya kaya germo sih! Makanya potong tuh rambut! Kalo udah botak, terima nasib aja dehhh...

Neng Sarah
Iya. Mas nggak dapet surat edaran dari Michael Bolton ya? Nih baca...

"I, Michael Bolton, hereby declare that my patented Bald Mullet look is officially dead.

Los Angeles, July 6, 1998,

Said I loved you but I lied,
Michael Bolton."

Mbak Diah
Hahahahahahaha...

Adrie Subono
Awas ya kamu!! Dasar anjing!"
*Spits at Sarah and Diah and walks away*

Mbak Diah
Ewww...how crass!

Neng Sarah
SECURITYYYYY....!!!!!



Mbak Diah
Mas, tolong Adrie Subono diamankan.... Dia berbuat onar tuh!

Eko Patrio
Enak aja, emang gue satpam? Gue Eko Patrio nih! Boss "EKOmando".

Neng Sarah
Heran, hansip sekarang judes-judes ya...??

Mbak Diah
Namanya juga hansip...

Neng Sarah
Anyway, speaking of family ties...I see Botox-friendly Minati Atmanagara and her daughter Cantika. Or at least someone who looks like Cantika. Is that her?



Mbak Diah
No, Sarah. Minati's started a new charity group for unfotunate underaged transvestites of "Taman Lawang".

Neng Sarah
Oh, so that must be a tranny-in-training who looks like Cantika.

Mbak Diah
Yes... after all, you have to be crazy (or have an ironic sense of humour) to call something that ugly "Cantika". Like naming a pile of turd "Gastronomical Delight".

Neng Sarah
Oh please...by the sight I'm looking at tonight she ought to be called "Bancika". And what's with the friggin' bows anyway? She looks like a retarded teenager escorted by her mother to the prom.

Mbak Diah
A retarded underaged transvestite and her plastic surgery-addicted fitness freak mom... I'm so pitching that idea to Almodovar.

Meanwhile, a woman with huge breasts is pushing Cantika and Minati aside and started posing for the photographers.

Neng Sarah
EH, Mbak... tolong ya satu-satu...tunggu giliran. Jangan dorong-dorongan dong...



Julia Perez
Gapapa donkkk.... gue kan cantik dan sexy....
*strikes a pose*"

Neng Sarah
Oke dehh...
By the way, Mbak Julia, lagi sibuk apa nih sekarang??

Julia Perez
*silence*

Neng Sarah
Ada rencana main di film layar lebar? Atau mau rekaman mungkin?

Julia Perez
*silence*

Neng Sarah
Atau jadi presenter mungkin, Mbak Julia? Main sinetron? Mbaaak????

Julia Perez
*silence*

Julia glares at Sarah and Diah and storms away.

Julia Perez
Maaf ya, saya sibuk nih...!!!

Mbak Diah
But we haven't said anything about your outfit yet!! I was going to say 'Anna Avantie goes whoring'... What do you think Sarah?

Neng Sarah
I don't know. I didn't take a good look at her dress because I was temporarily blinded by the sight of her breasts!!!

Mbak Diah
Speaking of breasts, here comes Queen Latifah...

Neng Sarah
Diah, that's not Queen Latifah...It's the first lady of soul Aretha Franklin. I LOVE YOU, ARETHA!!!!!!

Mbak Diah
Wait wait.... but why would Aretha come to the Panasonic Awards? Let's get up close.

Neng Sarah
Hey you, unfortunate one! Who are you??



Okky Lukman
Ehhhh pake nanyaaaa.... pasti gak pernah nonton "Funtastik" yaaaa??

Mbak Diah & Neng Sarah look at each other.

Okky Lukman
Lenong Bocah...?? Ketok Pintu??

Mbak Diah
Ohhhh... Okky Lukmannn!! Sarah it's Okky!

Neng Sarah
Hi Okky...!!!

Mbak Diah
Lucky she's not dressed in white. I would've mistaken her for the Michelin Man.



Okky Lukman
Eh, pada ngomongin gue ya? Awas ya gue gampar pake toket!!!

Diah & Sarah
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.......
*Running away from Okky Lukman*

To Be Continued...

Denada and artistic integrity goes hand in hand just like Annisa Bahar and a touch of class, i.e. SHE DOESN'T HAVE ANY!! From being a lady rapper, to an R&B crooner, to a lousy Dangdut singer, she has done it all for a pile of cash. If she were a pornstar, she would be the kind who's willing to 'do it' with farm animals for a measly extra few bucks.

So naturally, when it comes to fashion, it doesn't come as a surprise that she's as stylish as a pair of Sendal Rindi. You know...
"Me-langkah bersama Rindiiii...
Oh Rindiiii...
Rindiiii......"



She's scheduled to perform (what else?) "Goyang Dombret" that night on Dag Dig Dut alongside Trio Macan. So she donned the best outfit possible that she has: a black leotard that she used to wear for her workout with Ade Rai. But then she realized something, "I can't be upstaged by those Cheetah's Girls! I need to accesorize! Hmmm...pearls...yes, I NEED PEARLS!!!". She rushed to an accesory store in Pasar Mayestik and asked for the cheapest fake pearl necklace.

"Yes, THIS IS IT!!", she exclaimed as she checked her reflection in the mirror. "But I need more...MORE PEARLS!!"

The shopkeeper ran back and forth to bring her more fake pearl necklaces, while Denada frantically kept on piling more and more pearl necklaces around her neck.

"Tambo cie, Uni...!!!"

"No...no more pearls...", said the shopkeeper. She looked terrified.

"WHAT??? NO MORE PEARLS??? But I'm not finished! Okay, just bring me everything you have. The cheap ones..!!!"

The shopkeeper fetched her every cheap items on the display counter: a gaudy hair ornament, cubic-zirconia earrings and every little trinkets available in the store.

Denada cried out, "OH YES...Finally...". Tears are running down her cheeks. The shopkeeper's face is filled with horror as she watched Denada. She now looked like an evil queen from Planet Uglivion X-5 in "Battlestar Galactica".

"Okay, how much is everything...?"

"Rp 47.350, Mbak..."


Neng Sarah.

Mbak Titi, I know how difficult it must be for you going through a divorce. The stress from it could trigger you to do crazy things. Believe me, I've been there myself. But you know what, honey? No matter how hard it was, I was still able to get it together. And looking back, I don't think I ever did something stupid and embarrassing like...hmm, let say...

...WEARING THE UGLIEST EFFING DRESS IN THE WORLD...

...BACKWARDS!!!!!



Neng Sarah.

Kiki Fatmala, whenever I see your picture or on TV, I'm suddenly filled with sadness. Do you know why? Because you haven't changed one bit since the last time I saw you in a Warkop DKI movie 16 years ago. The yellow spandex miniskirt might be replaced with a turquoise gypsy-themed skirt, but the tube top is still there. And the keriting papan might be replaced with a bigger wave, but it's still a bad perm job. Why Kiki? Why are you still stuck in the same old rut? Is this one of your ploys to nab another Bule Jalan Jaksa to be your husband #2?

Listen baby, how many times do I have to tell you to stop reading "How To Marry A Bule And Live Happily Ever After (Or At Least For 2 Years)" By Prapti Stewart Goldenblatt Rodriguez? Kiki, the old rules are not applicable anymore. Nowadays, in order to get a bule husband/boyfriend, you don't have to dress like a Pemandu Lagu di Disko & Karaoke "Monggo Mas" Puncak Pass anymore. Instead, you need to dress like a high-class call-girl. Am I right, Sophia Latjuba?

Neng Sarah.

PS. Don't ask me how I got to "Monggo Mas". It's a long story.

Ruth Sahanaya is such a self-sufficient and responsible mother. She breastfed her daughter -- Nadine, she raised her without any help from a nanny, and she managed to successfully get her ideal weight back just by exercising and dieting.
And also, instead of buying new expensive clothing for the launching party of her new album, she wore Nadine's old baby clothes!!! Isn't she amazing???



Neng Sarah.

One woman's trash, is another woman's treasure.

Every woman's trash, is Yuni Shara's treasure.


Ecstatic Yuni Shara showed off her Imelda Marcos' Wedding Dress she recently purchased on E-BAY for U$7.99
WDYTHA/Neng Sarah (INDONESIA)

Neng Sarah.



PS. As ludicrous as it may seem, the Goodyear-blimp sized sleeves evens out her usually large-looking head, don't you think?

Dear Nova Eliza,

1. Trying to look older than you really are was fun...WHEN YOU'RE 15!!! But when you're 30, NO, you don't do that anymore.

2. Vintage dressing does NOT translate to "rummage through your grandmother's closet, grab everything in sight, and put them all on for a night out on the town".

I don't get it, aren't you working for a fashion magazine now? You're supposed to be our fashion role model. I don't think any respectable fashionista would ever wanna look like "Oma-oma mau pergi ambil uang pensiun".

So please Nova, I demand you to bring back the old sleazy-dressing, cleavage baring, g-string-showing, man-eating, legs-spreading, herpes-transmitting Nova Eliza. Sure, she was tasteless, too. But at least she looked hot.

Neng Sarah.

When I spotted Venna Melinda at a mall in Jakarta a while ago, I was shocked and a bit dissapointed to see her looking like she just got out of bed.
WH-WHAATTTT???!!!! Venna Melinda out in public with barely there makeup and tousled (and suspiciously) unwashed hair?? What's the hell is going on??? Is this the same J-Lo-worshipper/salsarobics-instructor Venna Melinda whose sole purpose in life is to "dazzle" the public with her "daring" fashion sense??? OH NO...!!! Is it the end of the world as we know it???

But after I studied her entire appearance more carefully, I breathed a sigh of relief. That was the same V-Mel I know and hate, the recipient of Lifetime Achievement Worst Dressed Award. She may looked a little off, but I wasn't fooled. She still stayed true to her patented "Venna Melinda's Fashion Policy: How To Dress Like Moi", which 2 main elements are:

1. The "Theme".
For her outing that afternoon to the mall with her family, she chose "Funky Bride" as her guideline. Wearing a short-sleeved see-thru doily-inspired top, a bandeau underneath, formal shorts, and a pair of slingbacks, all in white....naturally.

2. The Unexpected "Twist".
A striped elastic belt completed her already ridiculous ensemble for a touch surprise, or as we mere mortals call it, "SUMPEH DEH KAGAK MATCHING!"

Anyway, if years of watching Pamela Anderson's "VIP" has taught me anything, it's how to follow your object undetected. So I secretly trailed Venna around the mall, and here's what happened next...

LOCATION.
The Game Arcade.

SCENE.
Her son, Ferrel Bramasta, is waiting for his turn on Dance Dance Revolution, when all of a sudden Venna stepped up on the machine.



Ferrel:
But mom...it's not your turn...

Venna:
BACK OFF, YOU FAT BASTARD!!! YOU'RE BREAKING MY CONCENTRATION!!!!

Ferrel:
Daddyyyyyyyy....I'm scareddd.....

Ivan:
Here son...Don't be frightened. Mommy is having her PMS. Now, let's just pretend like we don't know her and quietly go...



Anonymous Man 1:
Oh, ini toh yang katanya Ratu Salsa.

Anonymous Woman 1:
Kasihan ya keluarganya...Mereka pasti tertekan...

Anonymous Woman 2:
Itu sih masih mending. Kebayang dong kalo jadi pembantunya dia... Hihihihi...

Venna:
Ladida-dida... I'm a little butterfly...
5, 6, 7, 8...

Neng Sarah.