Neng Sarah
Welcome our beloved readers to our special report from The Red Carpet of Panasonic Awards 2006.

Mbak Diah
With me Mbak Diah...

Neng Sarah
And me, Neng Sarah.
Diah, don't you just love red carpet events? It's like shooting fish in barrel.

Mbak Diah
Yes Sarah, I absolutely adore them. Especially this one, where almost EVERYONE is wearing something that we can bitch about!

Mbak Diah
Let's see.... whom shall we start with?
*Looks around excitedly*

Neng Sarah
Okay...here comes Ussy Sulistyawati. Straight from a facial at Salon Mey-Mey in Pasar Baru.



Mbak Diah
Oh, that's Ussy? I thought that was the lead singer of Deee-Lite.
"Groove is in the heart...........Na na na na na...."

Neng Sarah
Mbak Ussy...habis facial yaaa?

Ussy Susilawati
Ihh kok tau sihh??

Mbak Diah
Mbak, itu bandananya belum dicopot...

Ussy Susilawati
*Horrified look crosses face for a split second*
Oh.. mmmm.... Nggak kok ini emang aksesorisnya.... Part of the outfit, hihihi...

Neng Sarah
Okay baby girl, you're dismissed... I got ill looking at your puke green top anyway...
NEXT! Who's next, Diah?

Mbak Diah
Ooh... let's talk about the fat ones.

Neng Sarah
Diah...we do not say "fat people" anymore. We say "unfortunate ones".
Okay, who is it then?

Mbak Diah
SARAH HELPPP!!!

Neng Sarah
WHATT???
*panicking*
TALK TO ME, DIAH...!!!!

Mbak Diah
There's a Persian rug heading this way!!



Neng Sarah
Oh, her. Melanie Subono. A two-bit version of Paris Hilton.

Mbak Diah
Both heiresses of famous millionaires. Except one's anorexic and the other one's a compulsive-eating cow.

Neng Sarah
By the way, is she wearing a giant paisley scarf?

Mbak Diah
Yes, I think she doesn't have a clothesline at home, so whenever a Subono family member does the laundry, they hang it on their necks to dry.

Neng Sarah
Hmm...I wonder what her mother looks like....

Mbak Diah
There she is!



Neng Sarah
It's Adrie and Chrisye Subono...
Diah, NOW I know why Melanie dressed like that. Her mother's just as insane!

Mbak Diah
She's so proud of her daughter's gold-coloured training bra, she's wearing it on her chest like armour.

Neng Sarah
Oh, how I loved that t-shirt under a strappy dress look back in 1993 when I was in Junior High School and going to my friend's birthday party in Pizzaria.

Mbak Diah
Exactly... Oh shit, Adrie Subono's coming! He looks pissed off!!!

Adrie Subono
Eh dasar bitches! Jangan ngata-ngatain kita lagi ya! Lo pernah ngatain anak gue kaya TKW kan!!???!!!

Neng Sarah
Maaf mas, kita nggak pernah bilang anak mas kayak TKW. Kalo ngatain Melanie dandanannya kayak pelacur sih pernah.

Mbak Diah
Abis bapaknya kaya germo sih! Makanya potong tuh rambut! Kalo udah botak, terima nasib aja dehhh...

Neng Sarah
Iya. Mas nggak dapet surat edaran dari Michael Bolton ya? Nih baca...

"I, Michael Bolton, hereby declare that my patented Bald Mullet look is officially dead.

Los Angeles, July 6, 1998,

Said I loved you but I lied,
Michael Bolton."

Mbak Diah
Hahahahahahaha...

Adrie Subono
Awas ya kamu!! Dasar anjing!"
*Spits at Sarah and Diah and walks away*

Mbak Diah
Ewww...how crass!

Neng Sarah
SECURITYYYYY....!!!!!



Mbak Diah
Mas, tolong Adrie Subono diamankan.... Dia berbuat onar tuh!

Eko Patrio
Enak aja, emang gue satpam? Gue Eko Patrio nih! Boss "EKOmando".

Neng Sarah
Heran, hansip sekarang judes-judes ya...??

Mbak Diah
Namanya juga hansip...

Neng Sarah
Anyway, speaking of family ties...I see Botox-friendly Minati Atmanagara and her daughter Cantika. Or at least someone who looks like Cantika. Is that her?



Mbak Diah
No, Sarah. Minati's started a new charity group for unfotunate underaged transvestites of "Taman Lawang".

Neng Sarah
Oh, so that must be a tranny-in-training who looks like Cantika.

Mbak Diah
Yes... after all, you have to be crazy (or have an ironic sense of humour) to call something that ugly "Cantika". Like naming a pile of turd "Gastronomical Delight".

Neng Sarah
Oh please...by the sight I'm looking at tonight she ought to be called "Bancika". And what's with the friggin' bows anyway? She looks like a retarded teenager escorted by her mother to the prom.

Mbak Diah
A retarded underaged transvestite and her plastic surgery-addicted fitness freak mom... I'm so pitching that idea to Almodovar.

Meanwhile, a woman with huge breasts is pushing Cantika and Minati aside and started posing for the photographers.

Neng Sarah
EH, Mbak... tolong ya satu-satu...tunggu giliran. Jangan dorong-dorongan dong...



Julia Perez
Gapapa donkkk.... gue kan cantik dan sexy....
*strikes a pose*"

Neng Sarah
Oke dehh...
By the way, Mbak Julia, lagi sibuk apa nih sekarang??

Julia Perez
*silence*

Neng Sarah
Ada rencana main di film layar lebar? Atau mau rekaman mungkin?

Julia Perez
*silence*

Neng Sarah
Atau jadi presenter mungkin, Mbak Julia? Main sinetron? Mbaaak????

Julia Perez
*silence*

Julia glares at Sarah and Diah and storms away.

Julia Perez
Maaf ya, saya sibuk nih...!!!

Mbak Diah
But we haven't said anything about your outfit yet!! I was going to say 'Anna Avantie goes whoring'... What do you think Sarah?

Neng Sarah
I don't know. I didn't take a good look at her dress because I was temporarily blinded by the sight of her breasts!!!

Mbak Diah
Speaking of breasts, here comes Queen Latifah...

Neng Sarah
Diah, that's not Queen Latifah...It's the first lady of soul Aretha Franklin. I LOVE YOU, ARETHA!!!!!!

Mbak Diah
Wait wait.... but why would Aretha come to the Panasonic Awards? Let's get up close.

Neng Sarah
Hey you, unfortunate one! Who are you??



Okky Lukman
Ehhhh pake nanyaaaa.... pasti gak pernah nonton "Funtastik" yaaaa??

Mbak Diah & Neng Sarah look at each other.

Okky Lukman
Lenong Bocah...?? Ketok Pintu??

Mbak Diah
Ohhhh... Okky Lukmannn!! Sarah it's Okky!

Neng Sarah
Hi Okky...!!!

Mbak Diah
Lucky she's not dressed in white. I would've mistaken her for the Michelin Man.



Okky Lukman
Eh, pada ngomongin gue ya? Awas ya gue gampar pake toket!!!

Diah & Sarah
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.......
*Running away from Okky Lukman*

To Be Continued...