Neng Sarah
Is Okky gone?
*Panting*

Mbak Diah
Fuck, I feel like we just got chased by Hantu Tetek.

Neng Sarah
Yes, never mess with large-chested woman. Because those things can turn into a weapon of mass destruction...
Anyway, next we have the oh-so-gorgeous Arifin Putra and an unidentified woman with a giant tumor on her head.



Mbak Diah
Oh, I feel so sorry for her. I thought a pigeon took a giant dump on her head.

Neng Sarah
Whatever it is, she should use that handcuff on her bag to arrest herself for such a foul head ornament.

Mbak Diah
By the way, why's Arifin dressed like Sonny Crockett of Miami Vice? The Don Johnson one, mind you. Not the Colin Farrell one.

Neng Sarah
Diah, I'm sure that's not what he intended on wearing, but that "Gadis Penjual Bunga" demanded he wear something white to match her outfit.

Mbak Diah
Correction... Gadis penjual bunga cum lovelorn undercover policewoman.

Neng Sarah
Cum closet S&M addict.

Mbak Diah
Some people wear their hearts on their sleeves, but she wears a handcuff on hers.
*Imagines Arifin Putra naked in handcuffs*

Neng Sarah
DIAH!!! ARE YOU TOUCHING YOURSELF????
Get a hold of yourself, will you! We're at a formal event here...

Mbak Diah
Ooops, sorry...
*Slips Arifin Putra her phone number and mouths 'call me'*

Neng Sarah
DIAH!!!!!! Please...the boy is mine!!!
CU ARIFIN...
*Blows kisses at Arifin*

Meanwhile, a woman dressed in black leather from head to toe is running helter-skelter after Arifin Putra and his partner...

Rossa
Ehhh, tunggu sekedap Aripinn... Iyeu abdi geus dangdan...!! Ceunah 'rek trisam...??!!!
(Tunggu dulu Arifin. Saya udah dandan nih. Katanya mau threesome? -ed.)

Neng Sarah
Who the hell is that?



Mbak Diah
Rossa.

Neng Sarah
Rossa the innocent girl from Sumedang is a dominatrix??

Mbak Diah
Yes, and apparently is planning to do a 3 some with Arifin Putra and that turdhead with a handcuff.

Rossa
Ariiippp.. Ke heula atuhhh... Tungguan urang... urang geus nginjeum pecut ti Jeng Ishkhan, tapina poho euy di imah keneh...
(Arif. Sebentar dong. Tunggu aku. Aku sudah pinjam pecut dari Jeng Ishkhan, tapi ketinggalan di rumah. -ed.)

Mbak Diah
Arifin...!! Wait up!! Count me in!! I can drip hot wax on your balls while you lick my boots!!!

Neng Sarah
*Pulls Diah by the collar*
WE HAVE WORK TO DO!!!
Anyway... Here comes another vision in black....Tere, who brought us mediocre hits like, "Dosa Termanis" and "Awal Yang Indah".



Mbak Diah
You know her songs?

Neng Sarah
No I don't. I'm just reading this fact-sheet from the event organizer. See, "Tere: Dosa Termanis, Awal Yang Indah. Julia Perez: ______??".

Mbak Diah
I think she read your last posting about Titi DJ dressing backwards, Sarah. But she mistakenly thought it to be a new fashion trend.

Neng Sarah
Poor girl. Can you imagine how hot it is to wear a fake patent leather dress in Jakarta under all those lights? She must be sweating like crazy!

Mbak Diah
Tere! You wanna borrow my sabun sirih? I can smell your sweaty crotch from here, girl!

Tere gives Mbak Diah the finger as she walks past, making squeaky wet-skin-against-leather sounds with every step.

Mbak Diah
Oh good, that fish sauce smell is gone. Well, at least Tere's not dressed like gothic rock-chick something, like she used to.

Neng Sarah
Puh-leeez...she's about as rock-chick as Hillary Duff could ever be.

Mbak Diah
On the other hand, Luna Maya is wearing something very airy.



Neng Sarah
Don't let your eyes play tricks on you, for she's not wearing a dress. She had her body tattooed with henna.

Mbak Diah
Ahhh.... She's going for the Indian look! But where's the bindi? And what's with the sleepy face and messy hair? Oops, she saw us talking about her... Here she comes...

Luna Maya
*Angrily*
Saya nggak ada hubungan apa-apa sama Ariel!! Jangan kait-kaitkan saya lagi sama diaaa!!!
*Storms off*

Mbak Diah
Uuummm... I think someone forgot to take her medication this morning...

Neng Sarah
She reminds me of Jaye Davidson's character on "Stargate". Especially when's she's pissed off like that.

Mbak Diah
She could be Jaye Davidson's character on "The Crying Game" too, if she wore a yellow glitter dress and hoop earrings.
I wish she had brought along that cute surfer brother of hers though... Tipi Jabrik...

Neng Sarah
Diah, this is a celebrity event. Tipi Jabrik is not a celebrity...yet.

Mbak Diah
Then what the hell is Julia Perek... I mean Perez... doing in here???

Neng Sarah
Well, how else could she get here? She must've stolen Benny Simanjuntak's invitation.

Mbak Diah
What about Arifin Putra's date Turd-head-whatshername? At least we know Julia's name.

Neng Sarah
She's a celebrity by association. Like "Ugly By Association". For instance, you're standing next to Peggy Melati Sukma. She's unattractive, therefore you'll look unattractive too.

Mbak Diah
Oh you mean, like our next guests, right? Ugly By Association?

Neng Sarah
My dear Diah, Arie Untung and wife are not ugly by association. They're both fashion cripples. Simple as that.



Neng Sarah
Ladies and gentlemen, here we have Arie Untung wearing a high-collared checkered shirt and electric-pink skinny tie worn with WOMEN'S... I repeat... WOMEN'S cropped jacket.

Mbak Diah
What about his wife's eyelashes? And her belt? Is she auditioning for Cirque Du Soleil?

Neng Sarah
I believe that chicken-feather eyelashes are an "Anti Flirting Device", you know... so that Arie can tell if her wife's been winking at other men.
Give the woman a break, Arie!!! I would definitely fool around with other men if I had a cross-dressing husband!

Mbak Diah
It's as if her makeup artist is playing paint by numbers on her face.

Neng Sarah
By the way, Diah... Do you wanna know what Spiderwoman's lingerie looks like?



Mbak Diah
Heyy... It's Si Burung Camar, Vina Panduwinata!! Boy, she sure looks fresh and youthful. Pssst...
*Whispering*
Do you think she had something done?

Neng Sarah
That's not Mama Ina. That's Anissa Pohan, Mrs. SBY Jr.

Mbak Diah
You're right. But the resemblance is so uncanny.

All of a sudden, a man dressed in batik approaches Neng Sarah and Mbak Diah.

Secret Service Man
Maaf, mbak-mbak bisa ikut saya...???

Mbak Diah
*Whispering*
Oh no, Sarah... Anissa's bodyguard!!! We forgot she's political royalty now... Let's bail...

Neng Sarah
Oh, sebentar ya mas... Kita pipis dulu...
*Whispering*
RUNNNNN...!!!!!

To be continued...