Thursday, June 21, 2007

Remember back in 1999, when everyone was obsessed with the word 'millenium' and how it was closely related with everything silver, including clothing? Yeah, almost embarassing isn't it? Aren't we just glad we got over the whole hullabaloo once and for all?

Okay, before you start panicking, "OH, NO!! Did somebody raise B-Best from its grave and try to resurrect its neo-millenium anthem Happy Happy 2000?", rest assured that the girls of B-Best are still resting peacefully in their crypt, buried alongside the only copy of their album.

These futuristically-clad army of skanks are Tata, Ina, and Purie, otherwise known as Dewi-Dewi, another by-product of Dhani Ahmad's delirium. This all-girl pop group is assembled from a talent-search reality show called "Ulfa Dwiyanti Cari Pembantu" "Obsesi Dewa Mencari Dewi-Dewi" (*chuckle* and they say there's nothing worse on TV than "Komedi Nakal")

Here they are, posing with their manager (and by manager, I mean pimp) on the launching party of their debut album "Recycle +", dressed a la kinky intergalactic S&M cadets from outer space on a carnal mission to sex the entire human race and send them into orgasmic oblivion. The album itself is hailed by the critics (and by the critics, I mean me) as "Geger Band sings the songs of Dewa... plus some other crap".

Ladies, I'm aware that you're just a bunch of minions who is not allowed to have an opinion. In fact, I'm sure that it's written in your contract that you're not permitted to say, "No, master", except when asked, "Are you pregnant?" or "Is that syphilis?". So I realize that you're not entirely to blame for this havoc. Because I know that when Dhani Ahmad ordered you to cover yourselves up with aluminium foil like a piece of roastbeef, you had no other choice but to say yes.

Posted by Neng Sarah

Thursday, June 07, 2007

If you think this is Jeremy Thomas’ long-lost transvestite brother after a perm at Johnny Andrean Training Centre, you’re wrong.

This is Amy Search, the lead singer of Search, the Malaysian rock band which spawned that monstrous 80s hit “Isabella.” Then it was followed by a same-titled movie, starring a virginal Nia Zulkarnaen as Isabella and of course, Amy himself as the male lead.

I know, I know… How on earth did someone who resembles a scary eyeliner-loving pre-op tranny with estrogen-therapy bloat ever headline a regional box office romantic hit, right? A guy who makes Dorce Gamalama look like Helen of Troy? See, it was a different time back then. A time when Rano Karno was considered one of the most beautiful people in the country. But at least back then Amy still looked like a rock singer, despite his female moniker.

Jatuh cintaa…
Sama wariaaa…

Mbak Diah

Posted by Mbak Diah

Sunday, June 03, 2007

Look, I'm going to pretend Dewi Sandra isn't wearing a leopard-print fedora. I'm even going to overlook the Pasar Melawai satu goceng tiga ceban earrings and the raccoon eye makeup. But a setagen?? A five-tiered chain-adorned setagen????? Correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't setagens supposed to be worn on the inside? By women who've just given birth?

Repeat after me: A. Setagen. Is. Not. A. Fashion. Accesory. A. Setagen. Is. Not. A. Fashion. Accesory.

Jeez, I thought the "ku akui, keti ini, makin hilang kendali" Rexona ad was the lowest point in her career, but I guess I was wrong. This is it. The only thing worse would be if she were to dump Glenn Fredly for Mandra.

Mbak Diah

Posted by Mbak Diah

Thursday, May 31, 2007

Are you there, Fashion God? It's me, Venna...

It's been a while since we last communicated. How are you, Fashion God? Me? I've never been prettier. For today I am dressed to the nines paying a tribute to my idol, Jennifer Lopez Noa Judd Almost-Affleck Anthony. Don't I look like a dead ringer for Jenny on MTV VMA in this green ensemble? Some people sneezed, "TIMUN!!" or "ESMERALDA!!" when I passed by them, but I know they did it because they're ignorant. Obviously they don't know that Vogue has declared avocado-green as the color du jour. Oh my dear fashion god, what does du jour mean?

Do you like my Fendi bag, Fashion God? It's a genuine Fendi. I stopped buying fake designer bags because I don't want you to get angry with me again. Like that time I toted a knock-off Louis Vuitton Monogram Papillon bag to Alfamart Bintaro to buy Ajinomoto and you unleashed your fury at me when you saw it by making my long awaited Salsa-Pop debut album entitled "Venna... The Other Side Of Me" bomb. I felt so scared and humiliated. I don't want you to hate me again, Fashion God. I had to starve myself and my family for 11 weeks to get this Fendi bag, but it was so worth it. I got the bag and dropped 6 kilos. Yaay! Look at my body. Isn't it delicious? Yeah, I know it is. Who cares that my kids are going to suffer from malnutrition?! They're too fat anyway. What's important is I look fierce! FIERCE!

Oh, and how about these lovely hotpants, Fashion God? I knew there's a reason why they call it 'hot' pants, because anyone who wears them will look hot, just like me here. Don't they compliment my bodacious body perfectly? I decorated my bare middle section with a precious trinket. It's giving me nasty and painful marks, but beauty has a price, right? I know women go green with envy everytime they look at me, and not because of the fact that I am dressed in a shade of cabbage, but because I look hot! H-O-T HOT!

I got this wig at Rimo, Bintaro Plaza. It's called "Keriting Basah Malvin Shayna", a part of Scarlet's "Artis Bomseks Indonesia 90an" collection. And for maximum effect, I'm combining it with Dame Edna's gardening hat I got on E-bay. What do you think, Fashion God? Genius, right?

People always say I'm weird or I dress like a lunatic. But I know that's the risk I must take. Ever since I heard voices in my head saying, "You're fabulous, Venna. Help them..." or, "Venna, you're the savior of style", I know that it's your voice, telling me to start a crusade against fashion ignorance. As an acclaimed multitalented celebrity and former Putri Indonesia, I will use my power to lead the way and spread the message of fabulousness. I will do my best to raise fashion awareness amongst my fellow Indonesian. It's a long and arduous road, but I believe I can do it. And someday, I hope to be remembered as The Mother Teresa of Fashion.

Anyway, I gotta go now, Fashion God. It's time to hit the buffet. I haven't eaten anything in 2 days. That's the main reason I go to this party: to eat. Oh sorry, I mean to raise fashion awareness amongst my fellow Indonesian, yes. And to eat. With all the time I spent dressing and accesorizing, who has time to cook, anyway? Damn, that Kambing Guling looks delicious. I hope it'll fit into my bag.

Posted by Neng Sarah

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Indra Bekti was feeling high and mighty as the Master of Ceremony at Rolling Stone's 2nd Anniversary Private Party held recently. (By the way, highly publicized "private" party with a red carpet reception and a horde of photographers? Only in Indonesia, folks)

Drawing inspirations from Napoleon Bonaparte and Liberace, Indra went all out with the theme "Military Bling", complete with insignia, beat-up boots, non-precious stone adorned buckle, shiny gold scarf and a mile-high freaky pompadour.

3 problems though:
1. It's not a costume party.
2. Jakarta is,
3. Add a cheap pair of sunglasses... Voila! Instant Ian Kasela.

Posted by Neng Sarah

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Memes, Memes, Memes...

I thought I have clearly expressed my hostility towards those matching acid-washed denim vest and jeans of yours. Okay, maybe you didn't get it the first time. So let me just say it once again in a more intelligible term that you might understand...


I don't care how much you adore that ensemble you bought at Perahu Jeans in Cihampelas on your honeymoon trip in 1990. I'm also not impressed that you can still fit into them 2 kids and 17 years later. While yes, I admit that I did own a pair of acid-washed "baggy on top, tight on bottom" jeans with zippers down the ankles from IBC, Cihampelas (Hey, they were cool, okay?) , but I stopped wearing them the day Brenda Walsh lost her virginity to Dylan McKay (also known as The "Brenda and Kelly wears the same dress to the Spring Dance" episode).

And now you're wearing the aforementioned items out in the open yet again with a black tank, a multitude of rubber bangles, an unidentified object on your neck, and badly coiffed cornrows? (Hello, are you kidding me? Cornrows???)

Memes, you're the trophy wife of Addie MS, one of Indonesia's prominent musicians who owns an internationally acclaimed orchestra, for God's sake! You're supposed to be decked out from head to toe in Bottega Veneta or Fendi or some other upscale labels, relaxing in your chaise-lounge planning the seating arrangement for your next charity luncheon. You're not supposed to wander aimlessly around Tanah Abang after dark looking like a white trash from a trailer park somewhere in Nashville on a night out to the local bar with her truck driver boyfriend who's sporting a mullet and a handlebar moustache.

I must tell you, this type of behaviour is bringing shame to The MS family. I know you're devastated because your singing career is officially over 5 years ago. But you know what? Big deal! At least you're not a 30-something single woman with no steady income, who's getting a little too intimate with her vibrator, whose highlight of her life is bitching about Indonesian celebrities' fashion debacles on her two-bit version of Go Fug Yourself blog on her spare time.

PS. Go easy on the Botox, okay? One more shot and you run the risk of looking like Janice Dickinson.

Posted by Neng Sarah

Monday, May 28, 2007

Luna Maya
Sweetie, can I ask you something?


Luna Maya
Is that a theater-stage curtain you're wearing down there?

Is that a sleeping bag you're wearing down there?

Luna Maya
Somebody who looks like a hit-and-run victim with a rhinestone studded neck brace shouldn't talk...

Well, somebody who looks like Norbit's wife in a flamenco dress shouldn't talk either...

Luna Maya
At least I didn't steal KD's wig!

Oh yea? At least I didn't steal somebody else's husband!

Luna Maya
HEYYY, he was dating ME first! ME!! That bitch stole him from MEEEE!! Do you think it's funny when your boyfriend got not one, but TWO bimbos knocked up and got tricked into marrying one of them? And everyone thinks I'M the other woman? IT'S NOT FUNNY, OKAY???

Geez, ada apa denganmu?

Luna Maya

Okay, okay...
Calm down, TV Media air mattress. Let's take a deep breath and sit down.
Ooops, I'm sorry. YOU CAN'T! Hahaha...

Luna Maya
Why are you so mean to me?

Hey, you started it.

Luna Maya
I know, I'm sorry.
You know what, dude? We got punked by our stylists.

I know, right? I'm sooo firing him tonight!

Luna Maya
Oh, God... This dress is gonna haunt me for the rest of my life...

Got that right. What were you thinking, anyway? I know that models are dumb, but this is just absurd.

Luna Maya
What was th...??

Bring it on, blimpy!

Posted by Neng Sarah

Michael Jackson has finally taken that final step: sex-change surgery.

Well, either that or Iyeth Bustami's taken plastic surgery and bad makeup a step too far. Actually, make that several hundred steps: She looks like a wax replica of herself, for goodness' sake!

"Hello? Madame Tussaud's? I would like to add something to your collection..."

Mbak Diah

Posted by Mbak Diah


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