As part of her plan to 'go international', The Divine Miss A-hole Monica is invited to stage a concert in Brunei Darussalam next month. The show's event organiser, Puan Azizah bte Zakaryah, has arrived in Jakarta with a contract for Agnes to sign. Because of Agnes' so-called busy busy busy schedule, Puan Azizah had a hard time trying to meet her, but she finally caught Miss A-hole in her makeshift dressing room (i.e. janitor's closet) just before she was due onstage for a performance at Mal Kalibata.Agnes Monica
Haamerikaaa... jheruuuuk Haamerikaaa...
Meeelonnhhh... dari Thailaaaand...
Puan Azizah knocked on the door and entered the room.Puan Azizah
Good evening, Miss Monica. I'm Puan Azizah from the event organizer that is handling your upcoming concert in Brunei. I'm here with the contract for you to sign.Agnes Monica
Just leave it anywhere. I'm busy...
Dammit, where the hell is my mother-slash-manager, anyway?
Helllooooo... I want my Kiranti
Well, okay. We'll meet again after the show. Break a leg...
Uhmmm, by the way. You're not going to wear something like that for your show in Brunei, are you?Agnes Monica
Break a whaaa...? Are you cursing me, bitch?
And whatchutalkinbout my clothes, ho?Puan Azizah
To be honest I don't think that type of costume is very appropriate for your show in Brunei.Agnes Monica
Whaddayamean it ain't appropriate?Puan Azizah
Well, it's too... vulgar and, uhm... flashy.Agnes Monica
Say whaaa...??? It ain't vulgar. It's hip, y'all!
But, I mean, helloooo...? What does an old fossil like you know about fashion anyway? I read "Harajuku Fashion Monthly" religiously y'know, like, every friggin' month. And see this?
*Pointing a finger to herself and moving it up and down*
This is the latest trend in Harajuku. "Sunset Strip hooker on crack meets Waterworld's extra meets Lady Rambo" is super KAWAII
!! It's hip to tha hippity hop!!!Puan Azizah
But Miss Monica... Your... your fly is open...
I... I can see your... underwear..Agnes Monica
Well, duh.. Of course it's open!!!
I was up all night making this pair of studded panties to match my whole outfit! I had to miss "Intan"
and "Buku Harian Nayla"
because I was sewing this friggin' thing!
Did my momma offer any help?
No, she di'int!
Did my brotha offer any help?
No, he di'int!
And you thought I would pass up the chance to show off this handcrafted piece of art that would put me on the map as Indonesia's fashion icon by closing my zipper???
OH NO, YOU DI'IIIINT...!!!Puan Azizah
But it's written in the contract. You can't wear anything too vulgar or flashy. Our country is very conservative. We've prepared some attire that you can wear for your show in Brunei, designed by Brunei's top designe...Agnes Monica
I AIN'T GONNA WEAR NONE OF YOUR GODDAMN CLOTHES, BIAAATCH!!!
This is me. A to the friggin' G to tha friggin' N-E-Z!! This is what I like! And I know that mah luvlee fanz in Brunei are going to like it too. Imma hit 'em up style, y'all!!
And besides, my stage costumes are endorsed by FUK Fashion
, a division of TJE FUK Cosmetics
. I have to wear their clothes for each and every one of my performance. That way, all the motherfuckas in the world can see that I FUK
-ed myself. SO GO FUK
YOURSELVES, TOO!!Puan Azizah
But Miss Monica, the sons and daughters of the sultan are going to watch your performance.Agnes Monica
I AIN'T GONNA GIVE A DAMN ABOUT ANY FRIGGIN' SONS AND DAUGHTERS OF ANY FRIGGIN' SULTANS!!!
Who invited them anyway?Puan Azizah
Well, actually, Miss Monica... They invited you...Agnes Monica
*Flipping her palm to the side and turning her face away*
TALK TO THE HAND, GRANDMA!!!Puan Azizah
Miss Monica, please...Agnes Monica
Get lost, you tight-ass bitch! I gotta warm up my voice!!!
GO AWAAAYYYY...!!!!Puan Azizah
But, Miss...Agnes Monica
*Covering her ears with her hands, closing her eyes, and starting to sing*
"Hhhi am beau-ti-fuuuuullll...
No matter whaaa they saaayyyyy...
Whooords can't bh-ring me-heeee downnnn...
So doncha bring me down...
Too-dayyyyy...."See Agnes Monica's concert poster here