Mpok Jane & Neng Sarah Present WHODOYOUTHINKHEARE

Friday, February 23, 2007

As part of her plan to 'go international', The Divine Miss A-hole Monica is invited to stage a concert in Brunei Darussalam next month. The show's event organiser, Puan Azizah bte Zakaryah, has arrived in Jakarta with a contract for Agnes to sign. Because of Agnes' so-called busy busy busy schedule, Puan Azizah had a hard time trying to meet her, but she finally caught Miss A-hole in her makeshift dressing room (i.e. janitor's closet) just before she was due onstage for a performance at Mal Kalibata.

Agnes Monica
*Singing*
"Sthroberiii... Oshtraliaaaa...
Haamerikaaa... jheruuuuk Haamerikaaa...
Meeelonnhhh... dari Thailaaaand...
Whoaaa...."

Puan Azizah knocked on the door and entered the room.

Puan Azizah
Good evening, Miss Monica. I'm Puan Azizah from the event organizer that is handling your upcoming concert in Brunei. I'm here with the contract for you to sign.

Agnes Monica
Just leave it anywhere. I'm busy...
Dammit, where the hell is my mother-slash-manager, anyway?
Helllooooo... I want my Kiranti NOOWWWWWW...!!!!

Puan Azizah
Well, okay. We'll meet again after the show. Break a leg...
Uhmmm, by the way. You're not going to wear something like that for your show in Brunei, are you?

Agnes Monica
Break a whaaa...? Are you cursing me, bitch?
And whatchutalkinbout my clothes, ho?

Puan Azizah
To be honest I don't think that type of costume is very appropriate for your show in Brunei.

Agnes Monica
Whaddayamean it ain't appropriate?

Puan Azizah
Well, it's too... vulgar and, uhm... flashy.

Agnes Monica
Say whaaa...??? It ain't vulgar. It's hip, y'all!
But, I mean, helloooo...? What does an old fossil like you know about fashion anyway? I read "Harajuku Fashion Monthly" religiously y'know, like, every friggin' month. And see this?
*Pointing a finger to herself and moving it up and down*
This is the latest trend in Harajuku. "Sunset Strip hooker on crack meets Waterworld's extra meets Lady Rambo" is super KAWAII!! It's hip to tha hippity hop!!!

Puan Azizah
But Miss Monica... Your... your fly is open...
I... I can see your... underwear..

Agnes Monica
Well, duh.. Of course it's open!!!
I was up all night making this pair of studded panties to match my whole outfit! I had to miss "Intan" and "Buku Harian Nayla" because I was sewing this friggin' thing!
Did my momma offer any help?
No, she di'int!
Did my brotha offer any help?
No, he di'int!
And you thought I would pass up the chance to show off this handcrafted piece of art that would put me on the map as Indonesia's fashion icon by closing my zipper???
OH NO, YOU DI'IIIINT...!!!

Puan Azizah
But it's written in the contract. You can't wear anything too vulgar or flashy. Our country is very conservative. We've prepared some attire that you can wear for your show in Brunei, designed by Brunei's top designe...

Agnes Monica
I AIN'T GONNA WEAR NONE OF YOUR GODDAMN CLOTHES, BIAAATCH!!!
This is me. A to the friggin' G to tha friggin' N-E-Z!! This is what I like! And I know that mah luvlee fanz in Brunei are going to like it too. Imma hit 'em up style, y'all!!
And besides, my stage costumes are endorsed by FUK Fashion, a division of TJE FUK Cosmetics. I have to wear their clothes for each and every one of my performance. That way, all the motherfuckas in the world can see that I FUK-ed myself. SO GO FUK YOURSELVES, TOO!!

Puan Azizah
But Miss Monica, the sons and daughters of the sultan are going to watch your performance.

Agnes Monica
I AIN'T GONNA GIVE A DAMN ABOUT ANY FRIGGIN' SONS AND DAUGHTERS OF ANY FRIGGIN' SULTANS!!!
Who invited them anyway?

Puan Azizah
Well, actually, Miss Monica... They invited you...

Agnes Monica
*Flipping her palm to the side and turning her face away*
TALK TO THE HAND, GRANDMA!!!

Puan Azizah
Miss Monica, please...

Agnes Monica
Get lost, you tight-ass bitch! I gotta warm up my voice!!!
GO AWAAAYYYY...!!!!

Puan Azizah
But, Miss...

Agnes Monica
*Covering her ears with her hands, closing her eyes, and starting to sing*
"Hhhi am beau-ti-fuuuuullll...
No matter whaaa they saaayyyyy...
Whooords can't bh-ring me-heeee downnnn...
So doncha bring me down...
Whoooaaaa....
Too-dayyyyy...."

See Agnes Monica's concert poster here

Posted by Neng Sarah

Thursday, February 22, 2007

Bad Education

Ardina Rasti, you silly cow, what makes you think you could pull of the underwear-on-the-outside look when Superman himself couldn't?

Oh wait, I'm sorry... I shouldn't blame you for this major fashion faux pas. It's all your mommy's fault for neglecting to tell you that bikini tops weren't meant to be worn over a tanktop and that bras were meant to be worn on the INSIDE.

For the love of god, I hope mommy remembered to tell you the correct orifice to insert your tampons into. *Shudder*

Mbak Diah

Posted by Mbak Diah

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Virtual Insanity

When your singing career is nonexistent and your husband has taken up raping maids as a hobby, it's definitely time to admit yourself into the Helen Sparingga Mental Institution For Wannabes and Hasbeens.

All the more reason if you're starting to dress like a mishmash of Disney characters gone awry. First, there's Pocahontas clad in cheap plastic trinkets and glossy satin undershirt. If that's not bizarre enough, you top it off with Aladdin's turban plus a long tail that looks like an anorexic guling hanging off the back of your head.

I never thought I'd say this, but looking at this deranged incarnation makes me yearn for the good old days, when you still had a career as a social reject of Janet Jackson's Rhythm Nation. At least back then you still had the ability to give us one of the best Indonesian pop songs of all time. You know, the one that goes like this:

Inikah oh namanya...
Imaniar jadi gila
Mengapa...
Semua begitu
Eneg dilihat
Begitu geli dipandang
Seolah...
Dia ingin ikutan lenong
Tapi dia enggak tahuuu...
Maaluuuu...
Tak tau malu...
Tak tau malu...

Mbak Diah

Posted by Mbak Diah

Thursday, February 15, 2007

Local Celebrities Solve Jakarta's Flood Problem

JAKARTA (15/2) - Two local personalities have become the unlikely heroes of the recent flood disaster in the greater Jakarta area. Both have inspired many by starting a new fashion trend of wearing garbage previously clogging up rivers around the city. As a result, not only water levels around the city's flooded areas have gone down quickly, but pollution levels in rivers fell considerably too.

Dave Hendrik (32), best known as the host of "Super Rejeki 1 Milyar" on AnTV, got the idea of sewage couture from watching Vivienne Westwood's latest spring/summer collection on Fashion TV.

"If Mpok Vivienne can turn garbage into style, so can I! I'm already known as a fashionista and I'm not afraid to start new trends. Anyway busway, it gives me great pleasure in helping out unfortunate victims of this terrible flood and cleaning up our polluted rivers."

Mr. Hendrik, who spoke to us at the premiere of his play "Petruk Jadi Bencong" at Graha Bakti Budaya, further added that the shirt he had on was solely responsible for clearing up the flood in Kampung Melayu. "Three sluice gates along the Ciliwung were blocked by this lovely piece of junk," he proudly pointed to the pile of ornamental garbage on his shirt. "And now all three are completely debris-free."

Another local celebrity who is doing her part in the flood is Ria Irawan (38). The best supporting actress winner of the 1988 Indonesian Film Festival was furious to find the closest sluice gate to her Warung Buncit bungalow blocked by discarded boxes of konde and beaded lace material.

"I suspect Anna Avantie has a secret sweatshop around here and has been dumping her trash in the river!" she said irately. "Luckily I had the ingenious idea of turning all that garbage into this do-it-yourself kebaya outfit, complete with messy konde hair, which is soooo trendy right now!"

Ms. Irawan is currently developing her own budget kebaya fashion house, "Sampah Chic", which is expected to launch at the end of the year.

Both Mr. Hendrik and Ms. Irawan will be receiving medals of honour from governor Sutiyoso for their efforts in a special ceremony at Balai Kota later this week, where the governor would also apologise to the public for his poor handling of the disaster.

Mbak Diah

Posted by Mbak Diah

Monday, February 12, 2007

Recipe For Disaster

Es Merah Delima a la Sigi Wimala

Bahan:
- bangkuang, potong kotak-kotak kecil.
- 1/2 sdt pewarna merah.
- 75 gr tepung kanji
- 200ml santan
- 100 gr gula pasir
- 2 lb daun pandan, disobek-sobek.
- 1/2 sdt garam
- Air untuk merebus

Cara membuat:
- Campur bangkuang dengan pewarna merah, aduk hingga warna merata.
- Pindahkan bangkuang ke dalam mangkuk besar, kemudian masukkan tepung kanji, aduk hingga semua bangkuang terbalur rata dengan tepung.
- Ayak bangkuang dengan menggunakan saringan agak besar agar sisa tepung yang menempel berkurang.
- Rebus bangkuang ke dalam air mendidih selama kurang lebih 5 menit.
- Angkat dari panci perebus, rendam dengan air dingin selama 10 menit dan tiriskan.
- Masak santan bersama dengan gula, garam dan daun pandan, aduk sesekali agar santan tidak pecah. Setelah mendidih, angkat dan dinginkan.
- Taruh biji merah delima ke dalam mangkuk saji, siram dengan kuah santan dan es serut. Sajikan.

Mbak Diah

Posted by Mbak Diah

Friday, February 09, 2007

I Heart Grandma

I know I've said this before, but I'm gonna say it again, since it seems that none of these Indonesian celebrities are paying any attention.

For the last time...
Vintage dressing does not translate to rummage through your grandmother's closet, grab everything in sight, and put them all on for a night out on the town.

Andien, don't you know that the whole point of dressing up is to make yourself look more attractive? So why would you wanna dress like a middle-aged spinster librarian with facial spasms and a penchant for high-waisted(!) formal shorts and lousy trinkets from Sophie Martin who'd make "The Golden Girls" (both The American and The Indonesian versions) look like Gisele Bundchen?

Well, unless you're dating an 18 year-old college student with a case of Oedipus Complex who likes to cruise bars on "Elderly Night", seduce one of the patrons and put roofies in her drink... like the guy who's sitting next to you there.

Posted by Neng Sarah

Thursday, February 01, 2007

An Eclectic Atrocity

It was one week before MTV Indonesia Movie Awards in the Hoed-Goeslaw household and Melly still didn't know what to wear to the ceremony. So she switched the TV on and flipped through the channels, hoping something would inspire her to create something fabulous.

TPI was showing a Hong Kong martial arts film, "The Bride With White Hair."

"Dora The Explorer" was on Global TV.

There was a re-run of the old James Bond film "Moonraker" on Indosiar, featuring the bad guy who could bite through anything with his teeth.

"Phantom of the Opera" was on Bioskop Trans TV.

"Derap Hukum" on SCTV featured a main report on a trenchcoat-wearing Caucasian man who loved flashing his genitals to animals, causing much distress to the residents of Taman Ria Safari.

All of a sudden, Melly had a brilliant idea. She would combine everything she had just seen on her TV screen and create the most spectacular ensemble ever seen on Indonesian red carpets.

One week later...

Okay everyone, say it with me... ASTAGHFIRULLAH ALAZIM....

Mbak Diah

Posted by Mbak Diah