When Moluccas first burst into Indonesia's music scene, I had high hopes. I prayed, "Please God, don't let this be another similarly-dressed tackily-choreographed girl group like AB3 or B-Best". But I guess God must've been in New York at that time, because they've turned out to be worse that AB3: less famous, run-of-the-mill career and more calamitous fashion palate.
Before I begin slashing and dicing them to pieces, I'd like to ask you one question, "Judging from the photo, what do those women have in common?". If your answer is they all have dark skin, then you're not paying close attention. And oh, you're probably a racist. Because I'm talking about those objects they have hanging from their belt loops. Those... those feather dusters slash pussy ticklers gizmo. Eew, what are those? Are those supposed to be pretty? Cute? Functional? I don't get it. Oh well, they're probably one of those "Buy 2 get 1 free" giant kitschy keychains these ladies bought from Toko Serba 5000
and thought they would be "totally bitchin'"' to wear as accessories.
Now for those of you who don't know their names, I don't blame you. They're like the rest of Pussycat Dolls, apart from Nicole Scherzinger (aka the only one in the group who actually sing), whose names, let alone their faces, you don't even remember. So, come along with me my friend, as I introduce you to these girls and guide you through their fashion debacles.
This is Naomi. She's wearing a denim shokirt, i.e. a hybrid of shorts and a skirt. Who invented it, you may ask me? I'd say, someone who can't make up their mind whether to wear a skirt or shorts. And this is a BAD BAD shokirt. It looks like a reject from an episode of Project Runway where Michael Kors said, "It's unfinished, ill-fitting, and just plain unappealing. (It's) something that even the refugees from Rwanda would refuse to wear". Then Nina Garcia and the guest judge nodded in unison while Heidi Klum rubbed her pregnant belly and muttered something in German which translates to, "Amit-amit jabang bayi".
And then the white halter top which actually looked okay but wrecked by the bejeweled HOT PINK inscribed on the bottom. Because, well, there's nothing HOT or PINK about that top. Unless it refers to the unsavory bushy thing below it. And no, I'm not talking about her pubes.
Now, the one wearing an electric blue fitted jacket is Maria. I actually kinda like the jacket. It reminds me of the electric blue trenchcoat Carrie Bradshaw from "Sex And The City" wore on the New York Style Fashion Show. You know, where she tripped and fell down. But did I mention that this one is suspiciously hooded or has something flappy on the back? Strange. And not in a good way.
Okay, let's carry on to something more alarming: embroidered denim mini skirt with matching bustier. Do you have any idea what's wrong with the previous sentence? Okay, let me repeat that...
Denim mini skirt...
With matching bustier...
3 things that should never ever be used in the same sentence without the presence of the word "ugly", "mistake", or "out of your mind". Oh God, even saying that sentence gave me goosebumps.
And let's not forget the legwarmers. Yes, stripey multicolored legwarmers. Unless you're a Japanese schoolgirl or Jane Fonda (circa 1985), legwarmers are something that should NEVER EVER see the light of day. Especially, if they're worn with an electric blue fitted jacket and... well, that... you know... that... thing... do i have to say it again? oh, well... Embroidered denim mini skirt with matching bustier. There, I said it. And oh, the hair. The rastafarian hairdo. If she's aiming for Lauryn Hill dreadlocks, then she's failed miserably. Because even Bob Marley had better hairdo.
My oh my, how do you solve a problem like Maria?
Last but not least, we have Pita. Okay, let's just skip the top and the vest and just go straight to the article that has been giving me cold sweats and nightmares: The "MC Hammer's U Can't Touch This" pants!!!
Please tell me Pita, is this your conniving scheme to ressurect the trademark pants of your childhood idol? Oh, just save your time and energy, woman. Because unlike you, the rest of us are logical and functioning human beings. We decline, nay, scorn the rebirth of the pants that have made us cringe everytime we look back at them in 1990. So on behalf of the population of the world, I'm telling you this, Pita: No, we will not do the "Hammer Time!" again!!