Mbak Diah
First Okky, now Anissa's bodyguards... It seems we're public enemy No. 1 on red carpet events, Sarah.

Neng Sarah
Yes I know, Diah. But we are carrying a holy mission here to report to our readers what atrocities these celebrities are wearing on the red carpet.

Mbak Diah
May the force be with us...
*Waving a dildo as lightsabre*

Neng Sarah
How did you get...? Errrr, nevermind...
Oh, look what the cat dragged in... AB3, or as I like to call them, The "We always go to every formal event together because if we went alone we're just a nobody" Trio.



Mbak Diah
Or "The Triplets of Hasbeen-ville".

Neng Sarah
Yes... "The Siamese Twins of Similar Dresses Because We're So Effing Kompak".

Mbak Diah
By the way, is Nola pregnant again?

Neng Sarah
No, she's just trying to conceal her bulky post-natal tummy with a million layers of cheap ruffles.

Mbak Diah
Ohh... like how Cynthia's using it to camouflage her flat chest and her rather mannish figure.

Neng Sarah
Exactly!!

Mbak Diah
Hey, someone's copied Nola's pregnant ruffles look! Indy Barends!



Neng Sarah
Diah, this is what happens when you give a designer 3 rolls of 2-ply toilet paper and told him to make something "cute".

Mbak Diah
What about if you give the designer 3 rolls of striped wrapping paper instead?

Neng Sarah
Ummm....you get a giant christmas present??

Mbak Diah
A.k.a. Ivan Gunawan.



Neng Sarah
My my...he DOES look like a giant christmas present!!

Mbak Diah
The operative word being 'giant'. Despite vertical stripes supposedly being slimming.

Neng Sarah
Diah, haven't you heard that he lost some weight? And by the looks of it, I'd say about hmmm... 15 ounces.
*chuckles*

Mbak Diah
Well, at least he doesn't wear makeup anymore.

Neng Sarah
Yes... only bronzing powder, lip gloss, and mascara.

Mbak Diah
Even Michelin Okky couldn't contain her giggles upon setting eyes on him. Jonathan Mulia, on the other hand, has wisely chosen to stay silent. He realises how silly he looks in that geeky Chinese restaurant waiter outfit.

Neng Sarah
"2 shrimp dumplings, please...."

Mbak Diah
Speaking of which, here comes Miss Indonesia 2006 with a dumpling necklace.



Neng Sarah
That's not a dumpling necklace around Kristania's neck. That's karet kolor bekas dipped in glitter. Her tiara, her face, her necklace... Even her disgusting tisu ketek is lined with glitter. Apparently once she steps down from her throne, she's planning on becoming a glitter-loving high-class male-escort madam.

Mbak Diah
The male escorts being underaged Indonesian Idols.



Neng Sarah
Well, you know how Indonesian Idol finalists have a tendency to vanish into a land of obscurity? Dirly and Ihsan just wanna make sure they have a backup career.

Mbak Diah
Kristania has a backup career too you know...

Neng Sarah
As what?

Mbak Diah
As a drag queen impersonator. You know, like that movie "Connie and Carla".
Anyway, I still think the pretty Balinese runner-up should've won and Kristania should've been "Miss Waria" instead.

Neng Sarah
No wonder she lost at Miss World. The judges must've thought she was a man. At least she didn't call Indonesia a city like that linguistically-challenged Chandrawinata nincompoop.

Mbak Diah
You know, if Kristania were Miss Waria, then Ully Artha would've been "Miss Waria Senior". Or "Miss Waria 1968".



Neng Sarah
Oh yes, Mama Ully: The 50-year-old virgin of questionable sexuality.

Mbak Diah
Look at her nails! Apparently somebody got bored on the set of "Pintu Hidayah: Penjual Daging Busuk Wajahnya Digerogoti Belatung" and played around with Tipp-Ex.

Neng Sarah
And check out her Tas Mukena Cruella DeVille...
Diah, tau nggak apa perbedaan antara Ully Artha dan baju ungunya itu?
Kalau baju ungunya itu... KUSUT, kalau Ully Artha... KISUT.

Mbak Diah
Hahahaha...
Yes, she looks like a piece of grape that's been out in the sun too long... "California Maid Raisins", in new purple packaging.

Neng Sarah
Make that, "California OLD-MAID Raisins"...

Mbak Diah
Hahahahahaha.....

Agnes Monica
HEY BITCHES, ARE YOU LAUGHING AT ME...???



Mbak Diah
Heyyy... Whaddup A-hole?

Neng Sarah
Yeah, whaddup Xiao Mei from The Beijing Royal Acrobatic Troupe!!

Agnes Monica
SHUT UP YOU BITCHES!!! Say whaa'...whaa'....
*Starts to sing*
"Dimaaaaaana letak surga ituuuuuuuu........"

Mbak Diah
I dunno, but the 'surga' is definitely not in those love handles of yours, girl!

Agnes Monica
You're just jealous, bitches!! I got this outfit in Taipei while shooting "Hospital" with Jerry Yen... Holllaaaaa.....!!!!

Neng Sarah
You mean Mental Hospital! You look like a deranged Kontingen Senam Lantai Kalimantan Barat!!

Mbak Diah
*Flips through "Koran Sindo"*
Um... Sarah, I think you'd better call the Helen Sparingga Mental Institution... I think she escaped last night.

Agnes Monica
It's A to tha G to tha NEZ in da house...PANASONIC AWARDS y'all...
*Runs off*

Mbak Diah
Let's call Helen Sparingga... Oh no wait...THERE SHE IS...HELEEENNNN...!!!!



Neng Sarah
Mbak Helen...Gimana nih, kok Agnes bisa kabur dari Helen Sparingga Mental Institution For Hasbeens and Wannabes??

Ratna Listy
Wuaduhhhh jenengku dudu Helen. Mosok kowe ora kenal mbek aku to mbakkk??? Ora tau nonton tipi yoo?? Aku iki Ratna Listy soko acara "Bedah Rumah" kuwi lho...

Neng Sarah
I beg your pardon?

Mbak Diah
Ohhh.. Sarah dear, she's not Helen Sparingga. She's Ratna Listy... Ooooh her husband's cute!!

Neng Sarah
*to Ratna Listy*
Kalo situ Ratna Listy trus ngapain situ dandan mirip Helen Sparingga?

Ratna Listy
Wee ladhalaaa... Sopo ngomong aku melu-melu dandan koyo si Helen-Helen iki? Wong neng Wonogiri ki lagi model klambi koyo ngene. Iki model paling anyar lho, mangsane...

Mbak Diah
She says that this is the latest trend in her hometown village of Wonogiri and she's not a Helen copycat.

Neng Sarah
Oh God, she's giving me a headache. Can you just please tell her to go away? I need an aspirin...

Ratna Listy
Aspen? Ooo... aku wis tau rono! Dek kapan kae aku dijak bojoku keliling Eropa lhoo...

Mbak Diah
Dasar GEMBLUNGGG!!! ASPIRINNNN bukan ASPENNNN!!! Kowe ki budek yo?

Neng Sarah
*hysterical*
GO AWAAAYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!

Ratna Listy
EWEK?? ngewek-e ngko wengi... iya to, sayangkuu??
*winks at her husband*

Neng Sarah grabs Mbak Diah's lightsabre dildo and starts beating Ratna Listy to a pulp with it.

Neng Sarah
*Screams*
DIE YOU TALENTLESS FAKE BARBIE, KAMERA RIA SINGER, IMITATION OF HELEN SPARINGGA, HICKTOWN CUNT!!!
DIEEEE....!!!!

Mbak Diah
*To Ratna's husband*
Ngewek ambek aku wae yuk mas...

Ratna Listy's husband
*Ngondek*
Yuk yak YUUUUUKKKKK...

Mbak Diah faints.


The End.